To the Guy who Betrayed my Trust

I know we never really properly met, but there was a time where for some unknown reason I trusted you. Looking back on it now, it was my fault that what happened happened because if I hadn't of done what I did then none of this would have happened. Yes, I did feel ever so slightly forced into doing certain things at times, however it was my decision to go through with it and if I hadn't of then maybe this sort of thing wouldn't have happened. Or maybe it would. Who knows?

You betrayed my trust for reasons that I can not mention on here, however you know exactly what you did and it doesn't matter how many times you have told me you're sorry, I just don't believe that you actually mean it or know what you are saying sorry for. You may think that saying sorry is all you need to do to make things okay, but believe me you need to do a lot more than that in order to attempt to repair the damage that you have done. In fact, I don't think that there is anything you can do to repair the damage that you did to me. 

I'm guessing that you have absolutely no idea how I felt at the time that all of this came out. Well let me tell you that you made me feel completely and utterly worthless and that I would no longer be able to leave my house or show my face anywhere ever again. I even considered moving away just so that I wouldn't have to face anyone because I didn't know who did/didn't know about what had happened. I couldn't even face myself over what had happened. I couldn't look in the mirror. I've found myself not being able to be in pictures with other people (or just on my own) because I knew that what people could see in those pictures wasn't just what they had been able to see. And even though there might not have been nothing wrong with those photos, I just couldn't face being in any where they might end up online because I couldn't bear the thought of people being able to look at me in a different way. In a way that was only meant for me and an incredibly minor amount of people to be able to see me. 

Some people might have thought that this sort of thing happening wouldn't affect anyone to the extent that it has affected me, however believe me when I say that it has affected me in more ways than you could possibly imagine. You have stopped me from being able to trust anyone ever again with this sort of thing (and even things no where near as private as this). I had trust issues anyway but you have completely ruined me. I can't talk to anyone without thinking that they're going to do the same or similar to me, just like you did. Even with those who I know would NEVER do anything like that to me or anyone else, I still feel like there is always a chance that they could do the same.

I want to rip my own skin off. That is how you've made me feel. I want to rip my skin off, erase my memory, become a completely different person and pretend that this never happened. Of course, I know I can't do that, however if the opportunity was there then I would definitely take it.

You may say that you're sorry. In fact, I've lost count of how many times you've told me that you're sorry. But sorry doesn't make up for what you did. Sorry doesn't make what happened disappear. Sorry doesn't enable me to forget about what happened. But you just keep on coming back to tell me that you're sorry, even though I've already accepted your apology and we agreed to move on with our lives. But you keep on trying to allow the same thing to happen over and over again and then make it out like you could ruin me if I didn't do as you said. Well please feel free to try that, but as far as I'm concerned you can just go and live your pathetic little life and you can keep me out of it. I feel like I'm just starting to get into a place where I want to be, which means keeping you and all of the other bad people out of my life and the good ones in. So I hope that this is goodbye and that I never have to see or hear from you again as long as the two of us live.

Love Beth xx