Divorce is a difficult time for the children that are involved. They've gone from having two parents who are together and everyone living under one roof; to having two parents who are separated and are living in two separate houses. It's kind of like the children are living two different lives. They have the life that they live with their mum and the life that they live with their dad.
It can be very confusing at first, as it continues to be, and it can also be very stressful. I guess that people fail to realise how much of an impact this divorce has on the children and how it's affecting their lives. Has anybody bothered to ask me how I feel about my parents getting divorced? Nope. Have they asked my parents how they're coping with their divorce? Yes.
I think what people fail to realise is the emotions that all kids go through (if they're anything like me) when their parents are getting divorced. The first is anger. I was pretty angry when I found out that my parents were getting divorced. I'll admit that that might have something to do with how I found out (I found the divorce papers) but I guess that anger has a pretty big part in it. We get angry because we don't see why they're splitting up and why they couldn't just have an argument like they always do and continue to be together. The second emotion is sadness. We get upset because we've spent our whole lives with parents who are together and now they're suddenly splitting up. We were always the kid whose parents were still together; while everyone else's was either getting divorced, already had got divorced, or, for one reason or another, only had one parent. We felt like we were in this special club for kids whose parents were still together; and now we're in the divorced kids club. We don't know how we feel about that and we get upset about it because we used to have our life together and now it feels as though it's all shattered to pieces. The third emotion is betrayal. We feel betrayed by our parents because they brought us into this life together and are now going to be living apart. We feel as though we were promised our whole lives that they would be together forever, just like in fairytales. I guess that fairytales lie. And so do our parents.
I guess that the reason why our parents don't realise what we're going through is because they never had to go through this as a kid. They've lived their whole lives with their parents being together; and I guess that's why we, as kids, thought that our parents would be too. But they're not. And that's kind of one of the hardest things because you want to say to your parents that they have absolutely no idea what we're going through as kids; yet we have no idea what they're going through as adults. So it's difficult for both kids and adults to understand each other because neither knows what the other is going through: or the extremity of it.
One thing I do wish is that my friends would have a better idea of what I'm going through right now and what I've always been going through my whole life. They haven't necessarily been there with me throughout it all and, as a consequence, have no idea with what I'm going through so far with my parents divorce. They also have no idea about what I have been through with all of the events that led to my parents getting a divorce. And it's difficult because it's hard to explain to them what I am going through personally and how I really feel about everything. I try to bring up the courage to tell them but every time I think about it, I feel myself having a mental breakdown and have to stop myself from thinking about this whole giant mess. I want to tell my parents as well but it's for the same reasons really. I know it would be for the best for me to let all of my feelings out; but I just can't. I physically and mentally can't do it. I wish I could, but I can't.
I also guess that at some point throughout the whole divorce process, that quite a lot of kids think, is that this divorce means that you get twice the amount of presents at Christmas and on your birthday. This is pretty true and is probably the only bonus of your parents getting a divorce. It's almost as if all of these presents are like consolation prizes for your parents getting/being divorced. This whole 'twice the amount of presents' thing is what quite a few of my friends said to me when they first found out about my parents getting divorced. That kind of made me happy in that moment because it made me think that everything was going to be okay. I guess that in the end, everything will be okay; but it's difficult for me to comprehend this.
So parents, if you're reading this and are getting divorced, please realise that it's not just you that is going through a lot during this difficult time. It's your kids as well. Even though it might seem that they are coping with this really well, trust me, they're not. It doesn't matter what age your kids are, they will all be finding this process really difficult to deal with and to try and come to terms to. Even after your divorce has been finalised, they still probably won't be coping with it that well. They might be coping slightly better than they are now; but it won't all be that much better. So, please, try and talk to your kids about how they're feeling. They might say that they're okay with everything; but trust me, they're not. And try and keep them in the loop with everything that's going on and answer any questions they have on this matter completely truthfully. Speaking from experience, there is nothing worse than knowing that your parents are getting divorced but not knowing where they are in the divorce or what's going on. I get that you probably can't tell them everything, but please try and tell them as much as you can. I hate not knowing what's going on with my parents divorce and I guess it's kind of making it a lot harder for me to understand what's actually going on. So please, I beg, talk to your kids and find out what's going on with them. And also, try not to argue with the other parent in front of them as it just makes everything a whole lot worse. And don't make them take sides because it's really not fair on them. Trust me, I know. I'm still going through it.
Love Beth xx
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