It almost feels like when you're depressed you're a completely different person to how you normally are. It's kind of like having a split personality: there's the bright and happy side of you; and then there's the dark side of you. It's the side of you that you don't want anyone to ever see so you try to cover it up by pretending to be really happy all of the time. Most people believe this act that you are putting on. Most of the time this is a good thing because you (well for me, personally) don't want anyone to see through the act. But there are times when you do want someone to notice that something's up. It's like you want someone to care; but at the same time you just hope that no one notices that something's actually up as otherwise it's blowing your cover.
Being depressed makes you feel like you're secluded from everyone else. You want to be involved, but it always feels as though there's something that is holding you back. I always say that you are practically two people in this case: the outside you and the inside you. The outside you will be laughing and smiling with the people you're with. The inside you will be crying and wanting to go and dig yourself a hole. You just want to dig the deepest hole possible, live in it and somehow cover it up so that no one can ever see you again. You want to disappear off the surface of the earth. It doesn't sound like a very nice thing to do but it often seems like it's the only way out. There's nothing I can do to prevent that from happening; as much as I'd like to, I just can't.
There are many times where you don't see the point in you being here anymore. You don't see the point in living and just think that you'd be better off dead than alive. You feel as though no one would miss you if anything ever did happen to you and you often can't see a future for yourself. Everyone's constantly asking you what you want to do with your life and you genuinely can't think of anything. That might be just because you're not too sure yet; but for me it's because I genuinely don't see myself having a future. I like to imagine myself doing really well for myself and having a really good career and earning lots of money. I'm not sure if that's just wishful thinking or if I can genuinely see that happening for myself. I would really like it to happen, but I don't see how it possibly can. I see myself as a lost cause that no one can help. I know that sounds pretty suicidal and I promise you that I would never do anything like that to myself.
Something that people fail to realise is that people who are depressed often think about self-harm and suicide but in most cases couldn't do anything like that to themselves. I think it's because the depression makes you feel so low and pointless that it sometimes drives you to thinking like that. There's a difference between having these thoughts about self-harm and suicide and actually wanting to go through with them. For example, if you're just thinking about self-harming, you're probably just seeing this as an option but would never actually go through with it as there is always something holding you back. Whereas, if you do actually self-harm, this means that you see it as there being no other way out and see it as a way of forgetting and getting rid of the pain that you're currently going through.
But depression is, in general, a weird thing that drags you into a pit of despair. As much as you try to fight it, you always end up in that pit. Okay, so see it like this, you are yourself and depression is a demon. Now imagine that there are two different sides: one side involves sunshine and whatever makes you happy; the other involves complete darkness and rain. You are on the happy side and depression is on the gloomy side. Depression tries to take you over to the gloomy side. It leans over into the happy side and grabs hold of you. It keeps on trying to pull you over onto this gloomy side. You try to resist and fight back as much as you can; but it's not enough. Depression eventually takes hold of you and takes you over to the gloomy side. There are times where you occasionally manage to escape and go back over to the happy side; but depression always manages to drag you back to the gloomy side. It doesn't matter how many times you try, and occasionally succeed, to escape, you will always somehow end up on the gloomy side.
Another thing with depression is that it often feels like there is no one you can go to to talk about your problems. You feel as though this isn't a normal thing to have as everyone around you looks so happy and content with their lives. Well, let me tell you this: more people are like you than you think. In fact, around 80,000 (0.9%) of teenagers are currently suffering with severe depression in the UK. So believe me, you're not alone in this.
There are many times when I sit in a room full of people and see how happy they all seem to be. None of them seem to really notice that I'm there and I just feel like none of them really understand what I'm going through; when in actual fact, there are probably a few others in that room who are going through exactly the same thing as me. But it's just difficult knowing that the majority of them won't have a clue what I'm actually going through and will probably never understand. And it's always that fear that if you do open up to someone that they won't actually understand and won't seem to care or be able to give you some advice on what to do.
I just want to let you all know that if any of you are depressed or think you might be then please reach out and talk to someone. If you do think you're depressed and google your symptoms, please make sure it's a reliable website (such as NHS if you live in the U.K.) because googling your symptoms for any form of illness can be risky and might give you the wrong information. But if you do think you're suffering from depression then go to your GP and talk to them because they're more likely to be able to give you a better diagnosis than the internet and will give you some medication (most likely anti-depressants) to try and help relieve your symptoms. I am going to be doing another post on this next week and will be talking more about the symptoms you get with depression and why it's a sign that you should be doing something about it. But in the meantime, if you want to talk to me about it then please feel free. I understand that this will be confidential so you can message me on twitter (my username is @teenagelifebeth) and the link is in the contacts tab at the top of the page. You are not alone in this.
Love Beth xx
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