I know that I don't really speak to any of you anymore, but I thought that I would take this opportunity to tell you everything that I have been going through over the past few years and why I miss you like crazy and wish that we could get back in touch. Because I do miss you. Pretty much every single second of every single day. But I know that you don't feel about me in the same way, which is why I'm writing to you like this instead of getting in contact with you directly.
The truth is, I have been through an awful lot in the past few years, as have all of you from what I have heard. I've fallen in and out of love, I've been through loss, I've moved house, I've learnt how to drive, I've had to deal with my parents' divorce, I've moved away to university, as well as many, many other things. And I'm sure all of you have been through similar or other things, but I hope that now things are starting to look up for you, as I'm hoping they are for me.
All of this sounds so selfish so far. I mean, all I've done is talk about myself and I haven't even asked how any of you are. How are you all? I hope you're doing well, and I really mean that. But I guess all I can really do is talk about how I'm doing as I barely know anything that's been going on with any of you. But that's my fault. I should have made more effort in staying in contact with you all when we left primary school instead of just leaving all of that down to you and ignoring the fact that we were ever even friends and moving on to new people, none of whom I am friends with anymore.
Do I regret us no longer being friends? Yes, ever so much. Would I go back in time and actually bother to message you all once a while? Absolutely. But unfortunately, time travel doesn't exist so I guess I'm just going to have to try and learn from that massive mistake and actually bother to message the people who I am currently friends with but hardly ever get the chance to see.
I know that we were only incredibly young when we first became friends and that many people are no longer friends with those who were a massive part of their childhood. But I thought that we were different. I thought that we would be the best of friends forever and ever and that absolutely nothing could break us apart. But it did. And it was me. I broke us apart. And I can't help but wonder what would have happened if I had of bothered to keep in contact with you all instead of just not bothering to reply.
But one thing I can't help but wonder when writing all of this is if any of you actually genuinely liked me. Yes, it's easy for me to say that I never bothered talking to any of you, but in reality how much did any of you actually bother to try and keep in contact with me? Admittedly it was a bit more than I ever did, however it certainly wasn't that much more. And when all four of us were in school together you would always work together and I was always left on the sidelines. But I guess that's just the story of my life really. Always on the sidelines and never in the crowd. I guess it's just something that I've managed to get used to over the years when in reality it's something that I should never have had to get used to at all. Maybe that's why we're no longer in contact? Maybe it's because none of you ever actually liked me and that is the reason why we no longer speak. But I guess I will never know.
One thing I want to know is if you ever think about me. Even if it's just the tiniest little bit. I bet none of you do. I mean, it was stupid of me to think that you did in the first place. Here I am, doing nothing but think of all of you, what you're doing with your lives and wishing that I was a part of that. And there you are, living your lives to the full and not thinking about me once. And to be honest I don't blame you for doing that. I'm nothing special. Sometimes I try to think that I am but in reality, I know that I'm not. Please feel free to confirm this, it won't hurt I swear.
The number of times I've thought about messaging you and have come so close to doing so but end up chickening out is way more than I could count on both hands. I bet none of you has thought about doing the same. But if you ever do, then please feel free to do so. I would love for us to get in contact again and maybe meet up sometime. But, in the meantime, I wish you all the best and I hope that life is doing you good. Because it definitely isn't for me so it would be good to know that it is doing good for at least one of us.
Love Beth xx
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