Living with anxiety is something that I have had to deal with for pretty much my whole life, whether I had realised that or not. It affects my day-to-day life in more ways than I thought was ever possible to do so, resulting in there being many times where I haven't been able to do the things that I want to do and live the life that I want to live because I have felt that my anxiety has held me back.
I would say that the anxiety I mostly have to deal with is social anxiety. To those who don't already know, this means I struggle with being in social situations and a lot of the time when I am in those situations, my heart rate is a lot faster than normal, I feel sick, and I struggle to breathe. This is even when just thinking about those situations and whenever I do feel this way before a situation I will always try and get out of it because I know that if I have high anxiety about a situation before I'm even in it, then it will be ten times worse when I am actually in that situation.
We can look at this in terms of comfort zones. A comfort zone is something that we all have, and for me, this is my house, or at least my bedroom. When I am in my room/house, I feel comfortable and am 99% certain that nothing bad can happen to me while I am in my comfort zone. For me the danger can only start when I step out of my comfort zone, so pretty much as soon as I walk out of my front door I feel as though I am putting myself in danger. Even if I am just leaving my house to walk to my local shop and back, there are many times when I feel the anxiety start to set in. But this anxiety is always worse when I am having to leave my house and know I am either putting myself into an unknown situation or if I am going into a situation that I am already anxious about for whatever reason that may be. The further out of my comfort zone I am, the worse my anxiety is.
It also makes me overly paranoid about things that I should never be concerned about. I can't walk past a group of people without thinking they're talking about me. I can't go into a shop where they don't have a self check-out as I worry that after I leave the person who served me is going to start talking about me to their colleagues. I can't go on a break or leave where I am on placement through fear that the people who work there are going to start talking about me behind my back. I fear that my 'friends' all secretly hate me and only invite me to some things because they feel that they have to and not because they want me there or want to see me. I can't walk into a seminar or lecture on my own, regardless of whether I'm late or not, because I worry people are going to look at me and as soon as they see me they are going to start talking about me. I can't go up and talk to people through fear they are going to judge whatever I say. I can't get the lift from my flat to the ground floor in case there are other people in there and if I'm going back up to my flat I can only get the lift if I am the only one there and have to press the button to close the doors before anyone else comes along. I can't text someone first, even if it is urgent, through fear that they don't actually like me and find me annoying.
I feel that I have to hide away in the background whenever I am in any sort of social situation to try and make sure no-one notices me. Of course, I hate living like this, however it is something that I have been struggling to control for many years now. I am aiming this year to try and improve this, even if it's just the tiniest bit, but I have found myself accepting that this is how I am going to have to live for the rest of my life. I think I know deep down that everything that I am paranoid about or anything that I think might happen is highly unlikely to be true, however there is clearly something going on in my head that is causing these thoughts to happen. I wish I knew why this is and I wish I had the courage to go to the doctors, however I feel as though if I do they'll say I'm just overthinking it and that I don't have anxiety or any other mental health problems and that there's nothing wrong with me. I guess I have a fear of being judged, which is another reason why I haven't gone to the doctors yet as I feel that if I am diagnosed with anxiety then they'll be one of the people who judge me for my diagnosis.
I'm fed up with my anxiety preventing me from living my life how I want to live it. I feel that it's so easy for someone to tell me that it's all in my head and that there's actually nothing wrong with me and that I should just get over it and go outside. But it's not that easy. It's not as simple as just telling someone to get over something and them miraculously being cured. It's about taking the time to gain a better understanding of what exactly is causing this anxiety and then taking the time to find the methods that work in helping to manage it. I don't believe this is something that can ever be cured (although I hope that at some point it can be), but as long as someday I find a way to manage what is causing my anxiety so that I don't get as anxious as I do over the smallest of things then I will be happy.
If anyone reading this has any methods for managing their anxiety that they found have worked for them (or any methods that haven't), then please comment them down below as they may help me or someone else reading this who also struggles with anxiety.
Love Beth xx
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