I'm not entirely sure if I can hand-on-heart say that I ever felt included in your group, whether that be in or outside of school, but I really value the years that we spent together, whether that be from year 7 or towards the end of our time there. I do think that we shared some good times together, but there were definitely some bad times as well. I constantly felt left out of your group and that you only remained friends with me because you felt like you had to. I really tried to make a deep and meaningful connection with you all, but I guess I didn't try hard enough. But then again you can't force friendships, and I guess I can say that I have experienced that first hand.
I always felt like a bit of an outsider when it came to us spending time together. I only ever really saw any of you at school and occasionally outside of school if it was a special occasion, such as for someone's birthday. You never included me in anything and I still don't know what the reason for that is. Did you not like me, at all? Did you find me annoying? Was I not good enough for you? You say you've gone through some bad friends in your lifetime, was I one of them? I'm just struggling to comprehend what I actually did that was so bad that made you not want to spend any time with me outside of school. Then again, you probably didn't actually want to spend any time with me inside of school.
I can't really complain. I shouldn't want to be friends with people who don't value me as a friend and should instead want to remain friends with those who genuinely like me. I didn't even know where I stood with any of you and to be honest I'm not entirely sure that I know now where I stand. If you like me then say so. If you don't like me then just tell me and I'll be fine with that. I'm not going to sit here and say that I'm better than any of you because I really don't think I am. How can I be? You all seem to be out there leading really good lives with an amazing support unit behind you; whereas I'm really struggling and have no one. Then again, I can only see what you put on social media and I'm guessing you're only showing the good times so for all I know you could be living the same (or similar) life as me, but somehow I doubt that's possible.
I didn't like how you made me feel like I was inferior to all of you. I was the one whose birthday was the least important. I was the one who you'd spend the least amount of money on a Christmas present (but to be honest I was never expecting some large extravagant gift and I'm grateful for the chocolate, I really am). But I wish I had been treated like I was one of you. I wish I had been treated like I mattered. I wish that when something significant had happened in my life that I could feel like I could have come to at least one of you for advice. I wish that my feelings had mattered to you. But none of these did, did they? Because as long as all of you felt like you were a part of the group and were receiving whatever support you needed, that's all that mattered. But what about the support I should have been receiving? Why wasn't I that important? Was I not good enough? Were my fears and paranoia true? Did you all secretly hate me like I knew you did?
But none of that matters now. I am not bitter about how I was treated for all those years. Because let's be honest, hardly any of you are still friends with each other now anyway. I have my group of friends, you all separately have your own groups of friends, so let's just leave it at that.
I am grateful for all of the good times that we had together, because as much as I have said in this post that we never spent any time together and that any time we did spend together made me feel lonely even though I was surrounded by all of you, we did share a lot of laughter and jokes together. I will never forget any of the memories we have made together and I wish all of you the success that you deserve in the future because all of you really deserve it. There was a time a few months ago where I would have said that if I ever saw any of you in the street or on a night out somewhere I would have turned the other way or pretended to not have seen you. But if someone asked me now what I would do if I saw any of you, I would say that I would happily have a conversation with you to catch-up and maybe even go for a drink or two together. I know that none of you are bad people and I have realised that I shouldn't just ignore you just because of some petty feelings I have for how I felt a few years ago.
So if any of you are reading this and realise that it is me who is writing it, please don't hesitate to get back in touch with me. Even if it's just to see how I am and then we never speak to each other again, I would rather have that conversation than just pretend that none of us were ever friends. We may have formed a group because we had all previously been in other friendship groups that we were no longer a part of for one reason or another, but our group of friends defined our secondary school years, and that is something that should be celebrated, not dismissed.
Love Beth xx
No comments:
Post a Comment