2018. What a year it's been. Nationally, it's been a year of change in many ways. But for me, personally, it's been one heck of a year for many reasons, and here's why:
As those of you who have been following my blog for many years may or may not know, at the end of 2017 I moved house due to my parents getting a divorce. Even though this happened last year, a lot of the things that have happened to do with my new house have happened this year. When we bought the house (I say we, I mean my Mum), even though there was nothing particularly wrong with it, it wasn't exactly up to my Mum's expectations and there was quite a lot of things to be done. For a start, there originally wasn't a bedroom for me as it was only a three-bed house so my mum had the garage converted into a fourth bedroom for me. The kitchen and upstairs bathroom was also slightly falling apart so my Mum had both of those completely renovated and they both look like brand new. She also did a little bit of redecorating in the utility, downstairs bathroom, my brother's bedroom, and her bedroom. There is still a few more things to do, such as a complete redecoration of the living room and an extension done on my other brother's bedroom, so hopefully the house should be fully completed at some point next year.
Another big thing that happened this year was that I turned eighteen. As those of you in the UK will know, turning eighteen is a pretty big deal as it is when you officially become an adult due to you now being able to vote and legally drink alcohol. Because I'm the kind of person who doesn't like all of the attention to be on me, I decided to not bother with throwing a massive party or making a massive deal about it and just had a quiet celebratory meal with some friends and a few drinks with my family and close family friends. Looking back on it now, I kind of regret not doing something more so that I could look back in a few years and remember that time, but I guess there is nothing I can do about that now as it was what I wanted to do at the time.
One thing that I'm so glad I started again this year is my blog. As some of you will know, I took a year out of blogging because at the time I was struggling to come up with post ideas and was also struggling with trying to balance writing posts for my blog and doing work for my A-Levels. I'm kind of annoyed at myself for not finding a better way of managing my time so that I could do both, but I guess that as my A-Level results would determine my future, I had to choose A-Levels over my blog. I've now found that I'm much better at managing my time, I'm writing my posts WAY in advance (I'm writing this one at the beginning of November) and I've also planned what posts I'm going to write and when I'm going to post them. But I'm really glad that I came back to blogging and everyone has been so welcoming, so thank you all for that.
One thing that I FINALLY got around to doing was getting myself some driving lessons. For those of you who don't live in the UK, you can first start learning how to drive when you turn seventeen. I first rang my instructor about getting driving lessons at the start of January, and had my first lesson at the end of February - around two weeks before I turned eighteen. Obviously this was a long time coming and I probably should have started learning how to drive a lot sooner than I did, but I guess it was about doing it when I felt ready to. But, after a few months of lessons (37 hours to be precise) I managed to pass my driving test at the beginning of September. Obviously before this I had to take my theory test, and in that I got 46 out of 50 on the multiple choice questions and 65 out of 75 on the hazard perception test. I have only driven my car a few times so far and only stalled it maybe once or twice and somehow managed to get a score of 10 out of 10 on my driving (I had to have a black box to lower the insurance so they score me based on three different elements of my driving - speed, smoothness, and usage - in order for me to get rewards back).
Another achievement was me FINALLY being able to finish A-Levels. I obviously would never want to put anyone who is thinking of (or who is currently) doing A-Levels off the idea and it was a fun two years, but the actual A-Levels themselves were really, really hard. For those of you who don't already know, I did history, psychology, and health and social care and my final grades for these subjects was BCC. I have no idea how I managed to do this, nor do I know how I managed to make it out of those two years alive, but I did it and that's all that matters. I guess I put the hard work and effort in (not so much in year 12 but we'll ignore that for now) and worked harder than I have ever work in MY LIFE. But it looks like the saying is true - if you put in the hard work then you'll succeed. And I put in the hard work. And I succeeded.
Obviously as I finished my A-Levels and saw that chapter of my life close, a new one opened in the form of me starting university. I somehow managed to get myself an unconditional offer for my first choice uni which I am currently at, which I was pleasantly surprised at. If I'll be completely honest with you, at first I thought that they'd made a mistake, and then I thought that someone was trying to play a prank on me so I refused to get my hopes up. I'm not going to lie to you, uni life is a little difficult but it is fun at the same time. It's difficult because you're thrown into this completely new environment and have to get used to doing everything for yourself after YEARS of relying on others; as well as it getting particularly lonely at times and feeling like you have no one to talk to. However, it's also really fun because you get to meet loads of new people and make new friends who you might not have either met if you hadn't gone to uni or who you might not have been friends with if you knew them before going to uni. But so far things are going okay - they're not great but they're not particularly bad either. But hopefully things are on the up.
Now to my hopes for 2019...
I know that this is going to sound a bit pathetic, but I really want to find love at some point next year. I have been single for a little over a year now and I just want to meet someone who I really love and treats me how I deserve to be treated. I would like to think that this person is the person who I end up staying with for the rest of my life, but I get that things don't always work out that way and that I may well fall in and out of love all in the space of next year... but then again, I might not. But right now I just feel really lonely and just want someone in my life who I can talk to about absolutely anything and everything. I want to be able to share all of the highs and the lows with them. I want to be able to wake up next to them in the morning and realise how lucky I am to have them there with me. I want to be able to go on random late night trips with them... just because we can. I get that these things happen when you least expect them to, but I hope that this moment is soon because, funnily enough, I do really miss having a boyfriend. I also understand that some of you might say I'm too young for this to happen, but I know people who have been together since they were younger than me and are still going strong thirty or forty years later (and possibly longer), so you can never say that someone is too young to either find or be in love.
Another hope of mine is to set aside my anxiety and become more confident in myself. I feel that for the past few years I have let my anxiety pretty much define who I am as a person and have stopped myself from doing things just because I'm worried about having an anxiety or a panic attack while I am there. I hate it when I'm trying to fall asleep at night and I suddenly become very panicky about something that is yet to happen and have to stay up for, at times, hours, just until that panic and anxiety subsides. I want to beat this. I want to be able to come out of the other side and not overthink every little thing that has ever happened to me. I want to come out of the other side and be able to actually be able to get to sleep at a reasonable hour and stay asleep for the whole night. I want to come out of the other side and not feel so low to the point where I'm wondering if there's even any point in me continuing on with this life. I just want to feel like normal and not be held back by anything - no matter how big or how small.
My final hope for 2019 is for me to be happy. I haven't felt truly happy for as long as I can remember and I would just like to spend a few days at the least being completely happy. I don't care what the reason for this is, I'm just fed up of feeling so upset and lonely on a day-to-day basis. I look at people who appear to be enjoying themselves and having a good time and being happy and wonder why I can't be like that. Yes a smile can hide a thousand tears, and believe me I know that more than anyone, but for once in my life I just want to be able to smile at someone or tell them that I'm happy and genuinely mean it. People tell me that at my age I should be happy, but to be honest I'm not. And just because I'm young doesn't mean that I have to be happy or that I haven't experienced anything really bad happening to me, because believe me I have. But at the end of the day, at some point next year I just want to be able to look at someone directly in the eyes and tell them that I'm happy and mean it, and being able to do this would mean the absolute world to me.
So that was my round up of 2018 and my hopes for 2019. I hope that this year has been a great one for you, and if not then I hope that things can only get better for you next year. I would love to know in the comments below your own experience of 2018 and what you hope to happen in 2019.
I love you all and without you, I probably wouldn't have this blog so thank you for that.
Remember, stay safe and try not to do anything that I wouldn't (which, let's be honest, isn't that much).
Love Beth xx
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