Sunday, 20 January 2019

To my Ex-Best Friend

We were only friends for a few years, but I think that those few years were enough. Before then I never really knew who you were. I had heard of your name, but ask me to pick you out from a crowd and there's no way I could have done it. But I guess that's just because our paths had never crossed at that point, but for a time when they did, I was glad that they had.

I can't really remember what I thought about you when I knew who you were but we hadn't actually become friends. But what I do remember is that after you invited me to your 14th birthday party, I only ever wanted to be friends with you. I don't know why this is, but I guess it was just a feeling I had that we would make the best of friends - which at one point we were. But I guess it just wasn't to be.

Looking back on it now, the only reason we really became friends was that we were both friends with someone else and became friends through her. In fact, if I hadn't become friends with her then I don't think we would have ever become friends. It may sound a little harsh but it's the truth, which is something that we can't hide from.

I guess I should have listened to what other people were saying about you. They told me not to be friends with you because you're a horrible person, but I just dismissed what they were saying and decided to trust what my head was saying by giving you the benefit of the doubt. But it's true what they say, you were (and probably still are) a horrible, horrible person. You made me feel completely worthless. I felt that any achievement I ever made while we were friends wasn't as good as something that you had apparently done or you felt like you could have done much better than I ever did. I was happy with my GCSE grades and you made me feel that I shouldn't have been and that you did much better than I did. You told me that there was no chance that I would pass any of my A-Levels which just made me even more stressed than I already was through fear that you would be right and that I would actually fail and not be able to get into university. But, guess what, I did it and I couldn't be happier.

You also made me feel like nothing that was going on in my life was more important than whatever it was that you were going through. I guess that you can't really compare what different people are going through in terms of who's got it worse, however just dismissing my problems as if they were nothing isn't what a 'friend' is meant to do. A real friend is meant to be there for their friend(s) through all of their problems and stick by their side no matter what. And could you do that? No, you couldn't. I mean, why would you? You always felt the need to remind us all of how much of a bad life you have had and that no one has had it worse than you. You might have been through some things that I have never gone through (and hopefully never will) and believe me when I say that I'm really sorry that you had to experience those things because I could never imagine being put in that position myself, but just because those things happened to you doesn't justify you being a horrible person.

When you would try to act all innocent in front of your mum and making out like me and the others were bad influences on you, it was starting to get to the point where I wanted to go to your mum and tell her that none of that stuff was us and that it was all you. If anything you were the bad influence on us. Telling your mum that something that had happened wasn't you and it was one of us and then making us feel awkward whenever we had to see your mum just made us all dislike you even more. You need to learn to own up to your mistakes, as they were your mistakes, and stop blaming them on us all of the time. What would have happened if your mum had told one of our mums about what had happened and then we had to take the bullet for you and say that it was one of our mistakes and not yours? I know for a fact that my mum would have been livid with me over that. I can understand you not wanting to get into trouble with your mum and fall out with her, but at the end of the day you're an adult now and really need to learn to take responsibility for your actions.

I'm kind of glad that we're no longer friends. I don't care if that's a really harsh thing to say because it's the truth and, as you always used to say, you'd rather me tell you the truth than an outright lie. You were a bit hypocritical in that sense as all you ever did was lie. Just remember that the truth always comes out eventually as many people can see through your lies.

Another thing that always annoyed me about you was the fact that you'd bitch about someone to me one minute and then the next you would be acting all friendly with them and making out like you were really good friends with them. Those few people that you always claimed to me that you hated and could never be friends with and now that we're no longer friends you're claiming that they're the best friends you've ever had is the most ridiculous thing that I have ever heard. I guess you just panicked when you realised that you had no friends left and felt that you had to be friends with someone, so you chose them.

People come into your life for a reason, the same as they also leave your life for a reason. I guess that you came into my life for a reason (which I'm still trying to figure out what it is) and you left because we were no longer meant to be friends. I'm glad that this has happened because you are one of the people that have made me realise who I really need to keep in my life and who I should no longer let be a part of it, and you are one of the latter. A lot of the time when I was around you I felt my self-confidence disappearing as, as I have said before, you made me feel worthless and like I needed to become a completely different person in order to get on with people.

2018 has been a year where I have gotten rid of a lot of toxic people from my life (with you being one of them) and I am so grateful for everything that you have taught me over the past few years. You have taught me that I need to stand up a bit more for myself and that not you or anyone else can change who I am as a person. You have taught me that I need to get rid of the people in my life that are no good for me and will make me feel nothing but hopelessness and just like I am no good for them or for anyone (or anything) in general.

If you take anything from this letter, I hope that you can become a better and nicer person towards others. I'm not saying that you have to become a completely different person as I would never want you or anyone else to become something that you're not. However, I think that you would benefit from taking more time to actually complement people instead of making them feel like they're not good enough. Work harder and stop complaining that you're not getting anywhere in life when you know that you could try a lot harder in order to get to where you want to be. And stop blaming things on other people when you know that it's got nothing to do with them and it's actually more to do with you.

Love Beth xx