Why I Push People Away

Throughout my life I have been close to quite a lot of people, who at the time I thought would be a part of my life forever. However, as a lot of things I have either experienced or witnessed have gone to prove, nothing lasts forever and people do come and go from your life quite a lot. And due to this inconsistency of people in my life, I have found that over the years I tend to push a lot of people away because even if they might claim that they want to be a part of my life forever, there have been quite a few people that have also said that but have ended up walking away at one point or another.

For instance, let's take my primary school friends as an example. At the time I was best friends with four others and we were really good friends and were quite close, although when I look back on it I can't help but notice that I was always the one that would end up being left out of things if it came down to it. For example, if we were asked to get into groups of four in PE or any other class activity, they would always go in a group together and I would always have to find other people to work with. I always felt a bit like an outsider, which I still do, but just accepted that if it was the choice between me and another person, they would always go for the other person, no matter who it was. When we left primary school we still all remained friends, however I think this was more to do with the fact that we still did a few clubs outside of school together, but once we were either too old to do these anymore or either me or one of them left we never really spoke to or saw each other again. I was still at school with two of them at this point, however we made other friends (they still remained best friends with one another) and I was left to start again with a new group of people, where I only considered a couple of them at most my real friends and the others were just school friends who I knew I probably wouldn't speak to once we left (which is also true). I would now say that I only have two people who are my absolute best friends and I wouldn't be without them for the world. I am friends with a few other people but how long those friendships will last is unknown.

I guess because people have been so in-and-out of my life since pretty much the day I was born, as I just presume that once school or something comes to an end they're no longer going to be in my life I start to gradually try and push those people out of my life because how I see it is that it is going to save me a lot of hurt in the long run. Because at the end of the day, would you rather get hurt by the actions of others or your own actions? I know which one I would rather.

However, pushing people away does have its repercussions, the main problem being that people like my Mum and my Gran will keep on asking if I'm still friends with people and I find myself lying by saying yes and that we haven't spent any time together recently for some made up reason. I don't think they ever really buy it but to me it's a lot easier to lie to them about these things then tell them that the real reason is down to me. But is it?

I mean, I know that I did try and push them away and didn't really contact them. But did they bother to try and get in contact with me? No, they didn't. I guess no one has ever bothered trying to fight for me and to stop me from walking away from them and have just let me go. But this isn't a justifiable reason for not trying to speak to people who used to mean the absolute world to me because there was a time when they were there for me and in a day and age when we have social media that has made it easier than ever to keep in touch with people, you would have thought that this would mean that I would still be able to stay in contact and remain friends with everyone who I've ever been friends with. I guess either they never really liked me and weren't that bothered about me no longer being a part of their lives as I never really made than much of an impact anyway.

So what do I want any of you reading this to take from my actions?

I want you to try and remain in contact with as many of your friends as possible, as long as they're not toxic. If they are toxic then you do need to try and remove yourself from them because there is no chance that they are ever going to be good for you and you can do a lot better than them, believe me. I'm not necessarily saying that having lots of friends is a good thing because it has always been proven that quality is better than quantity, however there is no point in losing out on some really good friends just because you end up losing contact with one another. Don't do what I did and start pushing the good people in your life away because it's never a good thing and you will regret your actions.

I hope that this post has helped you in understanding why pushing people away is a bad idea because even if you think they'll always come running back, they won't. Some might at first but they soon get bored and move on. But you never can. So please don't push those who are worth keeping in your life away because, as I know all too well, you'll live to regret it.

Love Beth xx

Where I've Been

Hey everyone!

So, it's been a while (over a year, which is quite a long time) and I just thought I'd update you on what's going on with me and my life right now and why I've been away for as long as I have.

Okay, so, last year turned out to be quite a busy one for me as even though my parents have been split up since the end of 2014 (you can read about that in some of my previous blogs) 2017 was the year that their divorce was finally confirmed and that was quite an emotional time for me. As much as I was happy that they were getting divorced (which does sound weird but they argued that much and were that unhappy for such a long time that it was the right thing to do), it was also quite a sad time as when their divorce finally came through I realised that my life was never going to be the same again and that I could no longer be the kid whose parents were still together and still had a relatively stable life. Along with this came a house move which was very stressful for a variety of reasons (which I am possibly planning on writing a post about) but I eventually moved house at the end of last year after months of being messed around.

I was also dealing with A-Levels (which I have just finished (thank God!), which was also quite a busy time for me as I was trying to meet deadlines, revise for my mocks, actual exams and end of year exams for year 12 and all of this along with trying to regularly update my blog on a week-by-week basis all got a bit too much so I decided for the sake of my grades and my future the best thing for me to do was to take time out from blogging and only return when I felt that the time was right, which is now! (btw I will also be writing a blog very soon on my A-Level experience and giving you my top tips for getting through it if you are either already in sixth form or are going/thinking of starting it).

Another problem I had was that by now ex-boyfriend found this blog and tried to look through it until I managed to take my phone off him so he couldn't read any of my posts as they're all quite private and personal to me and are something that I haven't been able to speak to anyone about and I thought that he might get the wrong idea if he read any of them. This is why, if anyone of you noticed, up until last week from around some time last year, this blog was put on private so that only I could see it as I was worried that he might have seen the same of my blog and tried to look at it when he wasn't around me and a lot of the stuff that is on here are things that were down to me to tell him in my own time and not something that he should have found out about through a blog post.

So, what am I doing right now?

Well, I have just finished year 13 and did my final exam a couple of days ago so I now have a very long summer holiday until September, when I am planning on going to uni. I also turned 18 about three months ago so life as an 'adult' is kind of scary as I don't really know what I am actually going (or doing) to do with my life. But I did really want to re-start this blog because I have really missed it and it is something that I want to carry on doing for as long as possible and I want you all (if any) to come on this journey of life with me.

I know this post has been relatively short but I just wanted to get you all up to speed with my life right now and why I've been away, which I hope that you all can understand. I'm hoping to get a post up within the next few days (possibly Saturday) and I guess we will just go from there.

Thank you for reading this and I hope that this is now the start of a new, and possibly improved, blog.

Beth xx