Growing up I have always found that there has been a negative viewpoint about the young people in this country (and quite possibly of young people all around the world). It seems as though whenever anything goes wrong it is always the 'youths' that are instantly blamed for it when the full facts still aren't known. An example of this is often found in my home town where if something happens people will automatically think that the young people of the town are to blame without bothering to look at the full facts.
I guess this can be said to occur because there may have been some things that have happened where young people are the ones to blame and so from this people have the assumption that whenever anything bad happens young people will be the ones to blame. But it isn't just the young people of this country that do things that they shouldn't be doing.
I feel that the young people of this country are living by a stereotype where older people think that just because there are a few young people who do things that they shouldn't mean that all young people are like that. Well, let me tell you that this is certainly NOT the case. This is just how society and the media portrays them. More often than not, the media will write massive news stories about something bad that some young people have done, which will then be shared all over social media and will cause society to do nothing but talk about it and then whenever anything else goes wrong, society will immediately assume that a young person is to blame.
I know that it isn't just young people that are made to feel like they are being portrayed in a bad light, as there are many other groups that also feel the same way. But I feel that young people and all of these other groups need to start being celebrated within society and the media for all of the great things that they have achieved. Yes, we need to talk about all of the bad stuff that is happening in this world right now to make people more aware of what is going on - I mean, it is what the news is there for after all. But consistently portraying certain groups in a negative light needs to stop.
In 2019 I am determined to have a more positive mindset about life and it would be great if you and the rest of the world could take on this mindset with me. Yes, your life may be hit with many bad things, but we need to start to try and see the positives out of the negatives. People may have treated you badly in the past and I'm guessing you hate them for it (because I know I do) and if you're anything like me and my friends there may be times when you talk about someone negatively in your group chat. Well, I'd like you to put a stop to this. If a negative conversation about someone in your group chat happens, try to stay out of it. If your friends try to get you to take part in this conversation or ask why you're just reading through it and not contributing anything, tell them that you now have a positive mindset and don't wish to partake in any negative conversations. And if they find that weird or still try and get you to take part in the conversation then maybe it's time that you stopped being friends with them. This may sound a little harsh to hear but friends who just like to constantly bitch about other people and only seem to be interested in that and nothing else can't really be that good a friend if they refuse to try and see the good in people.
How does this relate to youths being seen in a bad light? Well, as I mentioned earlier it's all to do with how the media and society portray them. They get portrayed in a bad way, everyone starts making assumptions and whenever something about them is mentioned it is immediately assumed that they have done something bad.
Assumptions need to stop.
Stereotypes need to stop.
Negativity needs to stop.
I hope that you can join me in having a positive 2019. If you are, tell me how you are going to have a positive mindset throughout 2019 and what you are going to do to try and achieve this.
Love Beth xx
Sunday 27 January 2019
Sunday 20 January 2019
To my Ex-Best Friend
We were only friends for a few years, but I think that those few years were enough. Before then I never really knew who you were. I had heard of your name, but ask me to pick you out from a crowd and there's no way I could have done it. But I guess that's just because our paths had never crossed at that point, but for a time when they did, I was glad that they had.
I can't really remember what I thought about you when I knew who you were but we hadn't actually become friends. But what I do remember is that after you invited me to your 14th birthday party, I only ever wanted to be friends with you. I don't know why this is, but I guess it was just a feeling I had that we would make the best of friends - which at one point we were. But I guess it just wasn't to be.
Looking back on it now, the only reason we really became friends was that we were both friends with someone else and became friends through her. In fact, if I hadn't become friends with her then I don't think we would have ever become friends. It may sound a little harsh but it's the truth, which is something that we can't hide from.
I guess I should have listened to what other people were saying about you. They told me not to be friends with you because you're a horrible person, but I just dismissed what they were saying and decided to trust what my head was saying by giving you the benefit of the doubt. But it's true what they say, you were (and probably still are) a horrible, horrible person. You made me feel completely worthless. I felt that any achievement I ever made while we were friends wasn't as good as something that you had apparently done or you felt like you could have done much better than I ever did. I was happy with my GCSE grades and you made me feel that I shouldn't have been and that you did much better than I did. You told me that there was no chance that I would pass any of my A-Levels which just made me even more stressed than I already was through fear that you would be right and that I would actually fail and not be able to get into university. But, guess what, I did it and I couldn't be happier.
You also made me feel like nothing that was going on in my life was more important than whatever it was that you were going through. I guess that you can't really compare what different people are going through in terms of who's got it worse, however just dismissing my problems as if they were nothing isn't what a 'friend' is meant to do. A real friend is meant to be there for their friend(s) through all of their problems and stick by their side no matter what. And could you do that? No, you couldn't. I mean, why would you? You always felt the need to remind us all of how much of a bad life you have had and that no one has had it worse than you. You might have been through some things that I have never gone through (and hopefully never will) and believe me when I say that I'm really sorry that you had to experience those things because I could never imagine being put in that position myself, but just because those things happened to you doesn't justify you being a horrible person.
When you would try to act all innocent in front of your mum and making out like me and the others were bad influences on you, it was starting to get to the point where I wanted to go to your mum and tell her that none of that stuff was us and that it was all you. If anything you were the bad influence on us. Telling your mum that something that had happened wasn't you and it was one of us and then making us feel awkward whenever we had to see your mum just made us all dislike you even more. You need to learn to own up to your mistakes, as they were your mistakes, and stop blaming them on us all of the time. What would have happened if your mum had told one of our mums about what had happened and then we had to take the bullet for you and say that it was one of our mistakes and not yours? I know for a fact that my mum would have been livid with me over that. I can understand you not wanting to get into trouble with your mum and fall out with her, but at the end of the day you're an adult now and really need to learn to take responsibility for your actions.
I'm kind of glad that we're no longer friends. I don't care if that's a really harsh thing to say because it's the truth and, as you always used to say, you'd rather me tell you the truth than an outright lie. You were a bit hypocritical in that sense as all you ever did was lie. Just remember that the truth always comes out eventually as many people can see through your lies.
Another thing that always annoyed me about you was the fact that you'd bitch about someone to me one minute and then the next you would be acting all friendly with them and making out like you were really good friends with them. Those few people that you always claimed to me that you hated and could never be friends with and now that we're no longer friends you're claiming that they're the best friends you've ever had is the most ridiculous thing that I have ever heard. I guess you just panicked when you realised that you had no friends left and felt that you had to be friends with someone, so you chose them.
People come into your life for a reason, the same as they also leave your life for a reason. I guess that you came into my life for a reason (which I'm still trying to figure out what it is) and you left because we were no longer meant to be friends. I'm glad that this has happened because you are one of the people that have made me realise who I really need to keep in my life and who I should no longer let be a part of it, and you are one of the latter. A lot of the time when I was around you I felt my self-confidence disappearing as, as I have said before, you made me feel worthless and like I needed to become a completely different person in order to get on with people.
2018 has been a year where I have gotten rid of a lot of toxic people from my life (with you being one of them) and I am so grateful for everything that you have taught me over the past few years. You have taught me that I need to stand up a bit more for myself and that not you or anyone else can change who I am as a person. You have taught me that I need to get rid of the people in my life that are no good for me and will make me feel nothing but hopelessness and just like I am no good for them or for anyone (or anything) in general.
If you take anything from this letter, I hope that you can become a better and nicer person towards others. I'm not saying that you have to become a completely different person as I would never want you or anyone else to become something that you're not. However, I think that you would benefit from taking more time to actually complement people instead of making them feel like they're not good enough. Work harder and stop complaining that you're not getting anywhere in life when you know that you could try a lot harder in order to get to where you want to be. And stop blaming things on other people when you know that it's got nothing to do with them and it's actually more to do with you.
Love Beth xx
I can't really remember what I thought about you when I knew who you were but we hadn't actually become friends. But what I do remember is that after you invited me to your 14th birthday party, I only ever wanted to be friends with you. I don't know why this is, but I guess it was just a feeling I had that we would make the best of friends - which at one point we were. But I guess it just wasn't to be.
Looking back on it now, the only reason we really became friends was that we were both friends with someone else and became friends through her. In fact, if I hadn't become friends with her then I don't think we would have ever become friends. It may sound a little harsh but it's the truth, which is something that we can't hide from.
I guess I should have listened to what other people were saying about you. They told me not to be friends with you because you're a horrible person, but I just dismissed what they were saying and decided to trust what my head was saying by giving you the benefit of the doubt. But it's true what they say, you were (and probably still are) a horrible, horrible person. You made me feel completely worthless. I felt that any achievement I ever made while we were friends wasn't as good as something that you had apparently done or you felt like you could have done much better than I ever did. I was happy with my GCSE grades and you made me feel that I shouldn't have been and that you did much better than I did. You told me that there was no chance that I would pass any of my A-Levels which just made me even more stressed than I already was through fear that you would be right and that I would actually fail and not be able to get into university. But, guess what, I did it and I couldn't be happier.
You also made me feel like nothing that was going on in my life was more important than whatever it was that you were going through. I guess that you can't really compare what different people are going through in terms of who's got it worse, however just dismissing my problems as if they were nothing isn't what a 'friend' is meant to do. A real friend is meant to be there for their friend(s) through all of their problems and stick by their side no matter what. And could you do that? No, you couldn't. I mean, why would you? You always felt the need to remind us all of how much of a bad life you have had and that no one has had it worse than you. You might have been through some things that I have never gone through (and hopefully never will) and believe me when I say that I'm really sorry that you had to experience those things because I could never imagine being put in that position myself, but just because those things happened to you doesn't justify you being a horrible person.
When you would try to act all innocent in front of your mum and making out like me and the others were bad influences on you, it was starting to get to the point where I wanted to go to your mum and tell her that none of that stuff was us and that it was all you. If anything you were the bad influence on us. Telling your mum that something that had happened wasn't you and it was one of us and then making us feel awkward whenever we had to see your mum just made us all dislike you even more. You need to learn to own up to your mistakes, as they were your mistakes, and stop blaming them on us all of the time. What would have happened if your mum had told one of our mums about what had happened and then we had to take the bullet for you and say that it was one of our mistakes and not yours? I know for a fact that my mum would have been livid with me over that. I can understand you not wanting to get into trouble with your mum and fall out with her, but at the end of the day you're an adult now and really need to learn to take responsibility for your actions.
I'm kind of glad that we're no longer friends. I don't care if that's a really harsh thing to say because it's the truth and, as you always used to say, you'd rather me tell you the truth than an outright lie. You were a bit hypocritical in that sense as all you ever did was lie. Just remember that the truth always comes out eventually as many people can see through your lies.
Another thing that always annoyed me about you was the fact that you'd bitch about someone to me one minute and then the next you would be acting all friendly with them and making out like you were really good friends with them. Those few people that you always claimed to me that you hated and could never be friends with and now that we're no longer friends you're claiming that they're the best friends you've ever had is the most ridiculous thing that I have ever heard. I guess you just panicked when you realised that you had no friends left and felt that you had to be friends with someone, so you chose them.
People come into your life for a reason, the same as they also leave your life for a reason. I guess that you came into my life for a reason (which I'm still trying to figure out what it is) and you left because we were no longer meant to be friends. I'm glad that this has happened because you are one of the people that have made me realise who I really need to keep in my life and who I should no longer let be a part of it, and you are one of the latter. A lot of the time when I was around you I felt my self-confidence disappearing as, as I have said before, you made me feel worthless and like I needed to become a completely different person in order to get on with people.
2018 has been a year where I have gotten rid of a lot of toxic people from my life (with you being one of them) and I am so grateful for everything that you have taught me over the past few years. You have taught me that I need to stand up a bit more for myself and that not you or anyone else can change who I am as a person. You have taught me that I need to get rid of the people in my life that are no good for me and will make me feel nothing but hopelessness and just like I am no good for them or for anyone (or anything) in general.
If you take anything from this letter, I hope that you can become a better and nicer person towards others. I'm not saying that you have to become a completely different person as I would never want you or anyone else to become something that you're not. However, I think that you would benefit from taking more time to actually complement people instead of making them feel like they're not good enough. Work harder and stop complaining that you're not getting anywhere in life when you know that you could try a lot harder in order to get to where you want to be. And stop blaming things on other people when you know that it's got nothing to do with them and it's actually more to do with you.
Love Beth xx
Sunday 13 January 2019
To my Ex
You really hurt me. I thought we were good together but I guess I was wrong about that. I also guess that I was wrong about us ever being able to last forever. I wanted to prove people wrong, you know? I wanted to prove to them that we were good for each and that there wasn't anything weird about the two of us being together. I tried, I guess, but I failed.
The truth is, I guess deep down I always knew that we weren't right for each other. But mentally I wasn't in a good place and you should have known that. Maybe you did. Maybe you knew that I wasn't in a good place mentally which was why you kept on insisting that we would be good together and that we were actually already like a couple before we were even together. I have absolutely no idea why I even allowed you to get inside my mind like that. I mean, we had never really spent that much time together on our own before we started going out, so how did you know that we could be good together or say that we were already like a couple? Because we weren't, were we? We were just two people who were friends and who should have never become anything more than that. And maybe we would still be a part of each other's lives. Or maybe not. Who knows?
The annoying thing is that I was actually happy. YOU made ME happy. I hadn't been happy in years. I'd been through a lot of stuff that caused me to go on a downward spiral, yet you of all people somehow made me see the lighter side of life. You made me start to care less about holding on to the past and learning to live in the now. You made me start being carefree. You made me laugh. I could be having a bad day and then I'd talk to you and you would genuinely turn my frown into a smile.
But what I don't get is how I could go from being the happiest girl in the world to constantly crying over things that you had done. You started to become distant from me. You started claiming that I didn't put any effort into our relationship because apparently it was always you that started the conversation when you know full well that that wasn't the case. You blamed me for things that you knew full well that I had nothing to do with and the next day would try to act like nothing had happened. I cried over you and you didn't deserve that. You didn't deserve me. You didn't deserve my love. And you DEFINITELY didn't deserve my tears.
I like to think that if you knew how much hurt and anger you put me through that maybe you would have stopped and thought for a moment about how you were treating me and what you could do to put an end to all of the hurt and anguish that I was going through. Then again, knowing you, you wouldn't have done. You would have just carried on hurting me and because I'm so stupid to let it happen and not do anything about it I would have just tried my hardest to ignore the situation - only to then go and cry myself to sleep at night, every night.
All I ever asked of you was for you to be honest with me. I told you right from the very start that if there's one thing that I hate in life it's liars. I would have much rather you be honest with me about things that you thought that I might get mad at, instead of you lying about the whole situation just so that you could avoid an argument with me. But you should have known that by lying to me I was always going to find out the truth which would always cause a bigger argument between the two of us. I never wanted to argue with you. I'm not a confrontational person and you knew that. But if you had just always been honest with me then even though I might have been mad about some things, I would have let it go quite quickly. But you just kept on repeating this even though I kept on telling you that I hate liars, to the point where I grew sick and tired of having the same old argument with you over and over again.
Maybe we broke up because you're not my type. As you know all too well, anyone who I have ever had some sort of connection with who was my type ended up treating me even worse than you did. I guess that with you I thought that things would be different because you weren't my type. I thought that maybe because of this reason I would find that I had been looking for love in all of the wrong places and that you were actually the one that I was meant to end up with. Looks like I was wrong.
Thinking back on it, when you first told me that you liked me I was very hesitant in actually telling you that I also liked you. At first I thought that this was because I'd told people I liked them in the past and it had always ended in disaster. I also thought that because we were such good friends I was scared that we'd start going out and then end up breaking up and that I would then no longer have you in my life. I held my reservations until one day I was at a family dinner and realised in that moment that the only person I wanted in that room was you. That was what made me realise that maybe I should give 'us' a go because maybe something good could come from it. I mean, I was definitely wrong on that perspective, that's for sure.
As much as I don't really like you anymore, and believe me I hate the fact that I'm saying this, but I am actually glad that 'us' happened. You were my first proper boyfriend and my first love and I will never forget you. Yes you made me upset and angry, but there were a lot more happy times than sad times. I feel that you made me grow as a person. You made me understand the kind of person that I am looking to be in a relationship with. Even though that person may not be you (or anyone like you), if there hadn't been an 'us' then maybe I would never have realised this. So I want to thank you for that. I want to thank you for all the memories and I also want to thank you for teaching me to overcome all of the hurt and the upset and come out of it on the other side, having dealt with all the pain, as a strong, independent woman.
Love Beth xx
The truth is, I guess deep down I always knew that we weren't right for each other. But mentally I wasn't in a good place and you should have known that. Maybe you did. Maybe you knew that I wasn't in a good place mentally which was why you kept on insisting that we would be good together and that we were actually already like a couple before we were even together. I have absolutely no idea why I even allowed you to get inside my mind like that. I mean, we had never really spent that much time together on our own before we started going out, so how did you know that we could be good together or say that we were already like a couple? Because we weren't, were we? We were just two people who were friends and who should have never become anything more than that. And maybe we would still be a part of each other's lives. Or maybe not. Who knows?
The annoying thing is that I was actually happy. YOU made ME happy. I hadn't been happy in years. I'd been through a lot of stuff that caused me to go on a downward spiral, yet you of all people somehow made me see the lighter side of life. You made me start to care less about holding on to the past and learning to live in the now. You made me start being carefree. You made me laugh. I could be having a bad day and then I'd talk to you and you would genuinely turn my frown into a smile.
But what I don't get is how I could go from being the happiest girl in the world to constantly crying over things that you had done. You started to become distant from me. You started claiming that I didn't put any effort into our relationship because apparently it was always you that started the conversation when you know full well that that wasn't the case. You blamed me for things that you knew full well that I had nothing to do with and the next day would try to act like nothing had happened. I cried over you and you didn't deserve that. You didn't deserve me. You didn't deserve my love. And you DEFINITELY didn't deserve my tears.
I like to think that if you knew how much hurt and anger you put me through that maybe you would have stopped and thought for a moment about how you were treating me and what you could do to put an end to all of the hurt and anguish that I was going through. Then again, knowing you, you wouldn't have done. You would have just carried on hurting me and because I'm so stupid to let it happen and not do anything about it I would have just tried my hardest to ignore the situation - only to then go and cry myself to sleep at night, every night.
All I ever asked of you was for you to be honest with me. I told you right from the very start that if there's one thing that I hate in life it's liars. I would have much rather you be honest with me about things that you thought that I might get mad at, instead of you lying about the whole situation just so that you could avoid an argument with me. But you should have known that by lying to me I was always going to find out the truth which would always cause a bigger argument between the two of us. I never wanted to argue with you. I'm not a confrontational person and you knew that. But if you had just always been honest with me then even though I might have been mad about some things, I would have let it go quite quickly. But you just kept on repeating this even though I kept on telling you that I hate liars, to the point where I grew sick and tired of having the same old argument with you over and over again.
Maybe we broke up because you're not my type. As you know all too well, anyone who I have ever had some sort of connection with who was my type ended up treating me even worse than you did. I guess that with you I thought that things would be different because you weren't my type. I thought that maybe because of this reason I would find that I had been looking for love in all of the wrong places and that you were actually the one that I was meant to end up with. Looks like I was wrong.
Thinking back on it, when you first told me that you liked me I was very hesitant in actually telling you that I also liked you. At first I thought that this was because I'd told people I liked them in the past and it had always ended in disaster. I also thought that because we were such good friends I was scared that we'd start going out and then end up breaking up and that I would then no longer have you in my life. I held my reservations until one day I was at a family dinner and realised in that moment that the only person I wanted in that room was you. That was what made me realise that maybe I should give 'us' a go because maybe something good could come from it. I mean, I was definitely wrong on that perspective, that's for sure.
As much as I don't really like you anymore, and believe me I hate the fact that I'm saying this, but I am actually glad that 'us' happened. You were my first proper boyfriend and my first love and I will never forget you. Yes you made me upset and angry, but there were a lot more happy times than sad times. I feel that you made me grow as a person. You made me understand the kind of person that I am looking to be in a relationship with. Even though that person may not be you (or anyone like you), if there hadn't been an 'us' then maybe I would never have realised this. So I want to thank you for that. I want to thank you for all the memories and I also want to thank you for teaching me to overcome all of the hurt and the upset and come out of it on the other side, having dealt with all the pain, as a strong, independent woman.
Love Beth xx
Sunday 6 January 2019
To the Boy who Led me On
You really hurt me. From the moment I set eyes on you I felt instantly attracted to you. Even from the few exchanges we first had, I felt that there was something between us. You drew me in and I regret letting you do that. There was a time when I thought it was fate that we were both in the same GCSE class, in fact it was almost as if it was a blessing in disguise, but I guess that I was wrong. And looking back on it, I guess I was wrong on quite a lot of things.
You made me feel like I was the only person that mattered. Obviously at first I didn't think that you reciprocated the feelings I felt for you, which was why I was so surprised when you made it appear that way. But in a class full of at least thirty people, you managed to make it appear that you were only drawn to me and that I was the only person that really mattered to you out of everyone in that class. If you walked out before me then you would always wait for me and walk with me to lunch or break until either of us found one of our friends. And if I walked out before you, you would shout my name until I stopped or you would run after me just so that you could walk with me. I guess that this is part of what you did that made me feel special. And I was stupid for feeling that way.
When we first started properly 'talking' to one another, I think I was probably the happiest I have ever been. The majority of things in my life at that point seemed to be going right - with you being one of those things. I just found you a really easy person to talk to and felt that I could be completely myself around you without having to put on some kind of act. You made the last few months of my time in school so enjoyable and memorable and I don't think I can ever thank you enough for that. You were one of incredibly few people who could put a genuine smile on my face. You made me feel that I was good enough and I remember feeling so much more confident when you were a part of my life. But I guess that that's over now. You aren't really that consistent in my life anymore and I feel constantly on edge. When you used to text me I felt happy. Now I get filled with anxiety.
You led me on. There, I said it. I don't think you will ever truly understand how I felt in that moment. Well let me tell you I was FUMING! I just wanted to lash out at you. I wanted to shout at you and tell you how bad you made me feel about myself. Like I wasn't good enough for you. You made me feel like I had to constantly look at pictures of her and wonder why you chose her and not me. What was it that she had that I don't? Better looks? Better personality? More interesting to talk to? Just tell me what it was. And that doesn't just go for her, it goes for all of the other girls as well.
That's the other thing about you, the fact that you felt that you could be talking to me and making it seem like I was the only girl that mattered to you, only for you to then start suddenly dating another girl and when that ended you would come crawling back to me. And I always hated myself for letting you come back to me, but I guess I just couldn't help it. The fact that you made me feel so special was part of that reason - the other because I thought that there was actually some hope for us. I know that I'm stupid for thinking that, but I guess that because I liked you so much I was just trying to convince myself that there could be something between us. When in reality, nothing could ever happen between us.
A few months ago you apologised to me. You apologised to me for everything that you made me feel two years ago and because I'm not one to hold a grudge I accepted that apology. And I really regret it. I really regret in that moment not telling you how I actually felt and how you actually treated me, because you made me go from feeling that I was actually worthy of your time to feeling that I'm not good enough, and not just for you but for absolutely anyone that I've crossed paths with. I then let you tell me that you still really like me and want to give things another go. Why did I do that? WHY?!?! I guess I'm just stupid. I'm stupid for accepting your apology and stupid for believing that you would actually stick to your word of finally doing something about us.
At first I did genuinely think that you meant it, although I will admit that I did know deep down that you didn't. You even text me when you got home, like you said you would. So in that moment I thought 'you know what, maybe he's changed. Maybe this time he truly means it'. Except you didn't, did you? You just said it because you'd had a few to drink, saw me for the first time in over a year and probably found yourself remembering everything that had happened two years ago. But why apologise for hurting someone's feelings and then go and do the EXACT SAME thing again?! Only apologise if you truly mean it. And did you truly mean it? Of course you didn't. I mean, why would you? I'm just one of many girls that you've played. And you know what they say, once a player, always a player. I mean, how many girls was there, really? One? Two? TEN?! More than ten?
You know, life isn't all about trying to impress your mates by getting with loads of girls. You're an adult now so you should know better than this. Are you really going to have the future that you want by getting with loads of girls and not finding that one girl who you truly care about to settle down and start a family with? Well I can tell you now that you're not. I'm not saying that you have to find a girl to settle down with now because we're too young for that, but what I'm saying is that you should maybe start to think about how you're choosing to spend your time.
What I don't get is that you even decided to tell your parents about me. So if you can tell them about me, you've surely told them about all of those other girls. Are they okay with this? Because I know that if I had a son who kept on messing girls around then I would NOT be okay with it. But if you really think that treating girls like this is okay then first of all you're wrong, and second of all you're in serious need of a reality check.
At the end of the day, you really broke me. You are part of the reason why I'm now so reluctant to start talking to or dating other guys because in the back of my head I'm wondering how many other girls they've got on the go and if what they're telling me is actually the truth or if they're lying to me. Just promise me this, that you'll start being honest and upfront with girls, stop messing them around and stop leading them on. Because let me tell you, if it was you that was having to go through this then you would definitely kick off and there's no doubt about it.
Love Beth xx
You made me feel like I was the only person that mattered. Obviously at first I didn't think that you reciprocated the feelings I felt for you, which was why I was so surprised when you made it appear that way. But in a class full of at least thirty people, you managed to make it appear that you were only drawn to me and that I was the only person that really mattered to you out of everyone in that class. If you walked out before me then you would always wait for me and walk with me to lunch or break until either of us found one of our friends. And if I walked out before you, you would shout my name until I stopped or you would run after me just so that you could walk with me. I guess that this is part of what you did that made me feel special. And I was stupid for feeling that way.
When we first started properly 'talking' to one another, I think I was probably the happiest I have ever been. The majority of things in my life at that point seemed to be going right - with you being one of those things. I just found you a really easy person to talk to and felt that I could be completely myself around you without having to put on some kind of act. You made the last few months of my time in school so enjoyable and memorable and I don't think I can ever thank you enough for that. You were one of incredibly few people who could put a genuine smile on my face. You made me feel that I was good enough and I remember feeling so much more confident when you were a part of my life. But I guess that that's over now. You aren't really that consistent in my life anymore and I feel constantly on edge. When you used to text me I felt happy. Now I get filled with anxiety.
You led me on. There, I said it. I don't think you will ever truly understand how I felt in that moment. Well let me tell you I was FUMING! I just wanted to lash out at you. I wanted to shout at you and tell you how bad you made me feel about myself. Like I wasn't good enough for you. You made me feel like I had to constantly look at pictures of her and wonder why you chose her and not me. What was it that she had that I don't? Better looks? Better personality? More interesting to talk to? Just tell me what it was. And that doesn't just go for her, it goes for all of the other girls as well.
That's the other thing about you, the fact that you felt that you could be talking to me and making it seem like I was the only girl that mattered to you, only for you to then start suddenly dating another girl and when that ended you would come crawling back to me. And I always hated myself for letting you come back to me, but I guess I just couldn't help it. The fact that you made me feel so special was part of that reason - the other because I thought that there was actually some hope for us. I know that I'm stupid for thinking that, but I guess that because I liked you so much I was just trying to convince myself that there could be something between us. When in reality, nothing could ever happen between us.
A few months ago you apologised to me. You apologised to me for everything that you made me feel two years ago and because I'm not one to hold a grudge I accepted that apology. And I really regret it. I really regret in that moment not telling you how I actually felt and how you actually treated me, because you made me go from feeling that I was actually worthy of your time to feeling that I'm not good enough, and not just for you but for absolutely anyone that I've crossed paths with. I then let you tell me that you still really like me and want to give things another go. Why did I do that? WHY?!?! I guess I'm just stupid. I'm stupid for accepting your apology and stupid for believing that you would actually stick to your word of finally doing something about us.
At first I did genuinely think that you meant it, although I will admit that I did know deep down that you didn't. You even text me when you got home, like you said you would. So in that moment I thought 'you know what, maybe he's changed. Maybe this time he truly means it'. Except you didn't, did you? You just said it because you'd had a few to drink, saw me for the first time in over a year and probably found yourself remembering everything that had happened two years ago. But why apologise for hurting someone's feelings and then go and do the EXACT SAME thing again?! Only apologise if you truly mean it. And did you truly mean it? Of course you didn't. I mean, why would you? I'm just one of many girls that you've played. And you know what they say, once a player, always a player. I mean, how many girls was there, really? One? Two? TEN?! More than ten?
You know, life isn't all about trying to impress your mates by getting with loads of girls. You're an adult now so you should know better than this. Are you really going to have the future that you want by getting with loads of girls and not finding that one girl who you truly care about to settle down and start a family with? Well I can tell you now that you're not. I'm not saying that you have to find a girl to settle down with now because we're too young for that, but what I'm saying is that you should maybe start to think about how you're choosing to spend your time.
What I don't get is that you even decided to tell your parents about me. So if you can tell them about me, you've surely told them about all of those other girls. Are they okay with this? Because I know that if I had a son who kept on messing girls around then I would NOT be okay with it. But if you really think that treating girls like this is okay then first of all you're wrong, and second of all you're in serious need of a reality check.
At the end of the day, you really broke me. You are part of the reason why I'm now so reluctant to start talking to or dating other guys because in the back of my head I'm wondering how many other girls they've got on the go and if what they're telling me is actually the truth or if they're lying to me. Just promise me this, that you'll start being honest and upfront with girls, stop messing them around and stop leading them on. Because let me tell you, if it was you that was having to go through this then you would definitely kick off and there's no doubt about it.
Love Beth xx
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)