You really hurt me. From the moment I set eyes on you I felt instantly attracted to you. Even from the few exchanges we first had, I felt that there was something between us. You drew me in and I regret letting you do that. There was a time when I thought it was fate that we were both in the same GCSE class, in fact it was almost as if it was a blessing in disguise, but I guess that I was wrong. And looking back on it, I guess I was wrong on quite a lot of things.
You made me feel like I was the only person that mattered. Obviously at first I didn't think that you reciprocated the feelings I felt for you, which was why I was so surprised when you made it appear that way. But in a class full of at least thirty people, you managed to make it appear that you were only drawn to me and that I was the only person that really mattered to you out of everyone in that class. If you walked out before me then you would always wait for me and walk with me to lunch or break until either of us found one of our friends. And if I walked out before you, you would shout my name until I stopped or you would run after me just so that you could walk with me. I guess that this is part of what you did that made me feel special. And I was stupid for feeling that way.
When we first started properly 'talking' to one another, I think I was probably the happiest I have ever been. The majority of things in my life at that point seemed to be going right - with you being one of those things. I just found you a really easy person to talk to and felt that I could be completely myself around you without having to put on some kind of act. You made the last few months of my time in school so enjoyable and memorable and I don't think I can ever thank you enough for that. You were one of incredibly few people who could put a genuine smile on my face. You made me feel that I was good enough and I remember feeling so much more confident when you were a part of my life. But I guess that that's over now. You aren't really that consistent in my life anymore and I feel constantly on edge. When you used to text me I felt happy. Now I get filled with anxiety.
You led me on. There, I said it. I don't think you will ever truly understand how I felt in that moment. Well let me tell you I was FUMING! I just wanted to lash out at you. I wanted to shout at you and tell you how bad you made me feel about myself. Like I wasn't good enough for you. You made me feel like I had to constantly look at pictures of her and wonder why you chose her and not me. What was it that she had that I don't? Better looks? Better personality? More interesting to talk to? Just tell me what it was. And that doesn't just go for her, it goes for all of the other girls as well.
That's the other thing about you, the fact that you felt that you could be talking to me and making it seem like I was the only girl that mattered to you, only for you to then start suddenly dating another girl and when that ended you would come crawling back to me. And I always hated myself for letting you come back to me, but I guess I just couldn't help it. The fact that you made me feel so special was part of that reason - the other because I thought that there was actually some hope for us. I know that I'm stupid for thinking that, but I guess that because I liked you so much I was just trying to convince myself that there could be something between us. When in reality, nothing could ever happen between us.
A few months ago you apologised to me. You apologised to me for everything that you made me feel two years ago and because I'm not one to hold a grudge I accepted that apology. And I really regret it. I really regret in that moment not telling you how I actually felt and how you actually treated me, because you made me go from feeling that I was actually worthy of your time to feeling that I'm not good enough, and not just for you but for absolutely anyone that I've crossed paths with. I then let you tell me that you still really like me and want to give things another go. Why did I do that? WHY?!?! I guess I'm just stupid. I'm stupid for accepting your apology and stupid for believing that you would actually stick to your word of finally doing something about us.
At first I did genuinely think that you meant it, although I will admit that I did know deep down that you didn't. You even text me when you got home, like you said you would. So in that moment I thought 'you know what, maybe he's changed. Maybe this time he truly means it'. Except you didn't, did you? You just said it because you'd had a few to drink, saw me for the first time in over a year and probably found yourself remembering everything that had happened two years ago. But why apologise for hurting someone's feelings and then go and do the EXACT SAME thing again?! Only apologise if you truly mean it. And did you truly mean it? Of course you didn't. I mean, why would you? I'm just one of many girls that you've played. And you know what they say, once a player, always a player. I mean, how many girls was there, really? One? Two? TEN?! More than ten?
You know, life isn't all about trying to impress your mates by getting with loads of girls. You're an adult now so you should know better than this. Are you really going to have the future that you want by getting with loads of girls and not finding that one girl who you truly care about to settle down and start a family with? Well I can tell you now that you're not. I'm not saying that you have to find a girl to settle down with now because we're too young for that, but what I'm saying is that you should maybe start to think about how you're choosing to spend your time.
What I don't get is that you even decided to tell your parents about me. So if you can tell them about me, you've surely told them about all of those other girls. Are they okay with this? Because I know that if I had a son who kept on messing girls around then I would NOT be okay with it. But if you really think that treating girls like this is okay then first of all you're wrong, and second of all you're in serious need of a reality check.
At the end of the day, you really broke me. You are part of the reason why I'm now so reluctant to start talking to or dating other guys because in the back of my head I'm wondering how many other girls they've got on the go and if what they're telling me is actually the truth or if they're lying to me. Just promise me this, that you'll start being honest and upfront with girls, stop messing them around and stop leading them on. Because let me tell you, if it was you that was having to go through this then you would definitely kick off and there's no doubt about it.
Love Beth xx
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