You really hurt me. I thought we were good together but I guess I was wrong about that. I also guess that I was wrong about us ever being able to last forever. I wanted to prove people wrong, you know? I wanted to prove to them that we were good for each and that there wasn't anything weird about the two of us being together. I tried, I guess, but I failed.
The truth is, I guess deep down I always knew that we weren't right for each other. But mentally I wasn't in a good place and you should have known that. Maybe you did. Maybe you knew that I wasn't in a good place mentally which was why you kept on insisting that we would be good together and that we were actually already like a couple before we were even together. I have absolutely no idea why I even allowed you to get inside my mind like that. I mean, we had never really spent that much time together on our own before we started going out, so how did you know that we could be good together or say that we were already like a couple? Because we weren't, were we? We were just two people who were friends and who should have never become anything more than that. And maybe we would still be a part of each other's lives. Or maybe not. Who knows?
The annoying thing is that I was actually happy. YOU made ME happy. I hadn't been happy in years. I'd been through a lot of stuff that caused me to go on a downward spiral, yet you of all people somehow made me see the lighter side of life. You made me start to care less about holding on to the past and learning to live in the now. You made me start being carefree. You made me laugh. I could be having a bad day and then I'd talk to you and you would genuinely turn my frown into a smile.
But what I don't get is how I could go from being the happiest girl in the world to constantly crying over things that you had done. You started to become distant from me. You started claiming that I didn't put any effort into our relationship because apparently it was always you that started the conversation when you know full well that that wasn't the case. You blamed me for things that you knew full well that I had nothing to do with and the next day would try to act like nothing had happened. I cried over you and you didn't deserve that. You didn't deserve me. You didn't deserve my love. And you DEFINITELY didn't deserve my tears.
I like to think that if you knew how much hurt and anger you put me through that maybe you would have stopped and thought for a moment about how you were treating me and what you could do to put an end to all of the hurt and anguish that I was going through. Then again, knowing you, you wouldn't have done. You would have just carried on hurting me and because I'm so stupid to let it happen and not do anything about it I would have just tried my hardest to ignore the situation - only to then go and cry myself to sleep at night, every night.
All I ever asked of you was for you to be honest with me. I told you right from the very start that if there's one thing that I hate in life it's liars. I would have much rather you be honest with me about things that you thought that I might get mad at, instead of you lying about the whole situation just so that you could avoid an argument with me. But you should have known that by lying to me I was always going to find out the truth which would always cause a bigger argument between the two of us. I never wanted to argue with you. I'm not a confrontational person and you knew that. But if you had just always been honest with me then even though I might have been mad about some things, I would have let it go quite quickly. But you just kept on repeating this even though I kept on telling you that I hate liars, to the point where I grew sick and tired of having the same old argument with you over and over again.
Maybe we broke up because you're not my type. As you know all too well, anyone who I have ever had some sort of connection with who was my type ended up treating me even worse than you did. I guess that with you I thought that things would be different because you weren't my type. I thought that maybe because of this reason I would find that I had been looking for love in all of the wrong places and that you were actually the one that I was meant to end up with. Looks like I was wrong.
Thinking back on it, when you first told me that you liked me I was very hesitant in actually telling you that I also liked you. At first I thought that this was because I'd told people I liked them in the past and it had always ended in disaster. I also thought that because we were such good friends I was scared that we'd start going out and then end up breaking up and that I would then no longer have you in my life. I held my reservations until one day I was at a family dinner and realised in that moment that the only person I wanted in that room was you. That was what made me realise that maybe I should give 'us' a go because maybe something good could come from it. I mean, I was definitely wrong on that perspective, that's for sure.
As much as I don't really like you anymore, and believe me I hate the fact that I'm saying this, but I am actually glad that 'us' happened. You were my first proper boyfriend and my first love and I will never forget you. Yes you made me upset and angry, but there were a lot more happy times than sad times. I feel that you made me grow as a person. You made me understand the kind of person that I am looking to be in a relationship with. Even though that person may not be you (or anyone like you), if there hadn't been an 'us' then maybe I would never have realised this. So I want to thank you for that. I want to thank you for all the memories and I also want to thank you for teaching me to overcome all of the hurt and the upset and come out of it on the other side, having dealt with all the pain, as a strong, independent woman.
Love Beth xx
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