Why I Get Annoyed

One of the things that annoys me about mental health is that other people just expect you to go and get help and by the next day you'll be fine. That you'll no longer have anxiety or depression and can be like how you used to be. That you can accept a friends invitation to go and hang out without having that little voice at the back of your head telling you that she's not really your friend and that she's only inviting you out because she feels sorry for you. Or that when you walk past a group of people and they start laughing, you'll no longer feel like their laughing at you and they're actually laughing because of something else.

It's the same with depression. There are some days where you feel absolutely fine and are able to go out and have a laugh with your friends. Yet sometimes there will be that voice at the back of your head again, telling you that you don't deserve to be happy and that you should be ashamed of yourself for going out and having fun. There are other days where you feel at your absolute worse, even though you said that the last time, and you can't even get out of bed. It just keeps on taking away your life to the point where you're not even sure if you have any life yet. That this is the end. And yet, somehow, you're still here. You're still alive. But you have no idea how.

A lot of the time, my anxiety and depression does seem to get the better of me. It just seems like this is it for me and that this is how I'm going to spend the rest of my life; not being able to go out anywhere and stuck in bed. What annoys me though is that people just expect me to go and get help for it and that I'll be immediately cured. But there is no cure. It's not like a cold where you can just take some cough medicine and a few days later you'll be feeling fine again. They're mental illnesses for pete's sake. They're not just going to go away overnight. They're something that's always going to be there; even if you thought that they'd gone. They're like the elephant in the room: they're always there, even if you don't see them.

I just wish that people would realise that mental health doesn't go away just like that. In fact, it never truly goes away at all. I know there are people that you can see that can help you control how you feel and how to tackle your inner emotions, but they can't make the problem completely go away. No one can. But don't think that just because the problem will never completely go away means that you shouldn't talk about it to anyone. Talking helps. The more you talk about it, the more people can help you. If you don't talk about it then no one will be aware of the struggles you're facing and won't be able to help you. My mum always told me that I should always tell her what the problem was so that she could fix it. I always used to think that I should never tell her what my problem was because I thought that she'd think that I was being stupid and that there was no way that she could help me. But I'm only just realising that she was right; talking can help the problem go away. 

I urge you to talk to someone about whatever mental health illness you may have. Talking helps. It may not seem like it in the short run; but in the long run it's totally worth it. You don't have to share everything right away. Just for you to say just one word about how you're feeling is a step in the right direction and you should be proud of yourself for it. If you've managed to do that, give yourself a pat on the back or treat yourself to something. You deserve it. You are much more than your mental illness.

Love Beth xx

All Time Low

It all started about two years ago. In fact, it was two years ago on Monday that it happened. Or that I kind of guessed what was going on. My parents split up. Except I was never actually told that. I had to find out for myself and keep quiet about the fact that I knew for almost a year because I didn't want them to know that I knew. I also didn't want to ask them about it because I knew that once I did and they confirmed my deepest fears, I could no longer pretend that what I knew was a lie. I knew that I could no longer tell people that my parents were still together after 16 years of marriage. And it was one of the most hardest things I've ever had to go through in the 16 years that I've been here.

On the 7th November 2014, I got 'home' only to be told I wasn't going to be staying there that night. Or for a long time after that. I was told that me, my brothers and my mum were going to be moving in with my uncle (my mums brother) while my dad 'redid my brothers room'. I was told I would only be there for about two weeks and then I could go back home. Only that was a lie. My dad wasn't redoing my brothers room. And unless my parents think that two weeks is actually five months, then there is probably something wrong with them. I guess they thought that they had my best interests at heart. But they didn't. My best interest would have been for them to be straight up with me and tell me from the start that they were splitting up and getting divorced; instead of lying about it for almost a year.

I'd always known that my parents hadn't had the best marriage in the world. They were always arguing with each other. In fact, it got to the point towards the end of their marriage that I was more concerned when they were getting along and not when they were arguing. I've never seen my parents kiss. I haven't even seen them hug or cuddle up to each other on the sofa. And I know that no kid really wants to see their parents being all 'lovey dovey' with each other, but I've never really had any good role models for what a good relationship should look like. From the way my parents were with each other, it's always seemed to me like the only way to get through the day with your partner is to argue with them all the time. And I know that relationships shouldn't be like. I understand that it's important for you to be happy in a relationship and that it's normal for the two of you to fight occasionally; but not every single second of every single day. 

A couple of months later at the end of January 2015, my cat died. At this point I was still living at my uncles. I hadn't even seen her for a few weeks; and even when I had, it wasn't for that long. I was absolutely heartbroken that she'd died. I know that some of you may think that I'm being stupid by getting all emotional over a cat, but she'd always been in my life. She was 16 when she died and I was still 14 at that point. For her to have been such a huge part of my life and to suddenly not be there was a massive shock to me because whenever I was at home, she would always be there (or turn up at some point). And for me to suddenly have to come to terms with the fact that when I eventually did move back home to have her no longer be there was difficult to deal with. She could always tell when something was up and always seemed to make my day seem better somehow. 

Then, a few days later on the 2nd February 2015, my grandad died. That is probably the most emotional and upsetting times I've ever been through in my life. It's getting nearer to two years since he died and I still cry about it every now and then and can't stop thinking about him. I guess what made it worse was that the last time I saw him was on New Year's Day 2015 and could have gone to see him the day before he died; but me being the lazy and selfish person I am, decided not to go. Instead I stayed at my uncles (yes, two weeks was now getting up to four months) and watched F.R.I.E.N.D.S all day. 

I went to school the next day. I don't know why because I was still really upset about what I happened. I guess it was because I could either stay at my uncles and cry all day or go to school and pretend that everything was okay. One or two people did know my grandad had died and, even though they didn't say anything to me about it, they were constantly making sure that I was okay throughout the day and making sure that I wasn't on my own at all. It was nice to know that people were there for me. I guess keeping myself busy was the right option for me because it meant that I wasn't thinking about my grandad at all and could pretend that everything was completely normal. Except it wasn't. 

I went to my grans for the first time since my grandad had died six days later. It was weird walking in there to be greeted by my grandads empty chair. I didn't like it at all. But I had to stay strong for my gran and that's what I did. I don't know how, but I managed it. 

One of the worst parts of all of this (if not THE worst part) was his funeral. I thought that I would manage to get through the day without crying; but that lasted about five minutes. I was fine when I got to my grans and got slightly upset when his coffin turned up at the church but I managed not to cry. It was while I was waiting to go into the church and was walking behind the coffin that I had to hold my tears back. I cried a lot during the service as well. My uncles wife kept on turning around every time I sniffed because I was crying and it felt like she was glaring at me which didn't exactly help. I'd never been to a funeral before so it kind of felt like she was saying that I'm not aloud to cry. I also cried at the wake. My other uncles wife told me I shouldn't be crying because my grandad wouldn't me to but it's not like I could help it. I didn't exactly want to be crying in a room full of people but everything was just getting to me at that point. My mum had been constantly saying that she felt like my brother had been affected the worst by everything as he didn't even feel up to going to the funeral; but to me it felt like that was a lie and that it was me who was affected the worst. But I guess that different people deal with grief in many different ways. 

On the 27th March 2015 I was packing for a school trip to Disneyland (yes, I was still living at my uncles) and found a solicitor folder in the suitcase I was using. Me being me, I opened it to see my mums name at the top and underneath was the word I had been fearing the most. DIVORCE. At first I was shocked; but that shock quickly turned to anger and frustration. I threw the folder across the room and quickly started to break down. I was angry at my parents for lying to me for that amount of time and also slightly angry at everyone else who knew about it for not telling me. I know it's not essentially their place to tell me and that it should be down to my parents; but they could have at least tried to tell them that keeping this away from me and my brothers for such a long amount of time was a bad idea. I was so angry that I wanted to stay at Disneyland and not return home. But I didn't. 

I managed to make it back on the 2nd April and was told that I was moving back home. And on that same day, my dad moved out and into my grans and his excuse was that he had to stay with her because she wasn't as capable as she used to be and that she shouldn't be on her own. She'd been like that for a while at that point and my grandad had been dead for two months so if that was the case then surely he should have moved in sooner. 

My brother had also managed to find out about my parents divorce. He asked my mum if they were getting a divorce and she said no. He gave her the perfect opportunity to tell the truth and she was still lying about it. I mean, fair enough if she wasn't ready to tell us yet but I knew she was lying and I just don't think it's fair that on top of everything else for my parents to lie to us about something as big as this.

Anyway, after almost a year of lying, they eventually told us at the start of a October 2015. They are still going through a divorce even though it's been two years since they split. But I'm really not coping. And it's not just with their divorce. It's with everything.

The only time in the past two years that I've felt like my real self is June this year. But since then I've been falling back into a pit of depression and it's been horrible. And my anxiety isn't any better at the moment either. And because of these two things I'm having to turn down stuff that I really want to go to but know that when the time comes around for it I'm not going to be able to enjoy myself. I would rather everyone else had fun without me than for me to go and bring everyone else down with me. I'm now at an all time low and I don't know who to talk to about it. And it's one of the most frustrating things ever.

I don't want any of you to feel like you can't talk to anyone about any problems you may be having: no matter how big or small they are. The link to my Twitter is in the contacts tab at the top of the page. You can DM me on there if you want and I will try and help you in every way possible. I just don't want any of you to feel like there's no one you can turn to for help.

I know this post has been really long and if you've got this far then I applaud you. Go and reward yourself for your efforts and for having to read through this.

Remember: you are not alone.

Love Beth xx

All The Things I Want To Say

Dear...

I really felt like we had a connection. You were one of THE most important people in my life a few months ago and I never wanted to lose you: even though I never had you. I felt like I had hit rock bottom but you gave me a reason to smile again. Even though you had no idea about all the s**t I've been through the past two years, every time I was with you you made me forget about everything that had happened. You gave me a reason to have fun and to just enjoy myself. You would talk to me every second of every day and made me feel like I was worth it. Like I meant something to you. Like we were going to go somewhere; and yet we didn't. I went from having the best few months of my life to going back to my dark ways. To crying myself to sleep at night; sometimes over you. I always wanted you and yet, for some reason, I could never have you. You used to mean everything to me and now you mean nothing. The conversation is dead. We don't really have that much to talk about anymore and I don't know why that is. Do you only talk to me now because everyone else has stopped replying? Do you just talk to me because you know I'll always be there? Well, please don't. Talk to me because you want to. Talk to me because you want to know how I am and what's going on with my life. Because I'm really not coping. I need someone who can hold me close and tell me that everything's going to be okay. You used to do that but you're not here anymore. There is an empty gap to fill and I'm not sure who can fill it. Did you ever even like me? Were you just doing it and saying all of those things for a bet? Did you want to make a fool out of me? Because I feel like a fool. I feel like a fool because I allowed you into my life and ignored what everyone else was saying about you because I thought you were different. I thought that you were better than that. Turns out I was wrong. So very, very wrong. Turns out you were a whole lot worse than what everyone else was saying. Now, whenever I see something that reminds me of you, I can't tell you because I know that you probably won't reply. And if you do it will be hours later and the moment will be gone. I used to wish that I could keep you in my life forever. Now I'm certain that at some point you're going to leave forever and I'm not sure how I feel about that; because I know that moment is coming but I don't know when. When you're with her do you think about me? I guess not otherwise you wouldn't be with her. Or any of the other girls you've been with during the time we were talking. If you really wanted me then I guess you would have shown me. You know what, just stop talking to me. Please. Because it will make this heartbreak so much easier if I can get over it now instead of later. You told me you loved me. You told me you cared so much about me. Well if you cared as much as you said you did, you would have been there for me. And were you? No. Because when you have your problems it's alright for you to talk to me about them and get me to help you. But when I have my problems it's a whole other story. You just dismiss it. You don't want the depressed me; you want the fun and happy me. Well sometimes the fun and happy me can't always be there. Sometimes the depressed me just comes out of nowhere and I can't control when she comes out. She just does it without warning. I can't always be the person you want me to be. Yes, that is the person I want to be too; but I can't always be her. And you need to understand that. But you can't, can you? Because you just want to be around the girls who are confident, always having fun and who are always smiling. You need to understand that I am that, but not all the time. And it pains me to say it but with the amount of girls you talk to, you're going to have a shock later on in life. Because one day you're going to wake up and realise that you messed up. Because you'll realise that you've never really been in love and that everything you thought was love was a lie. You'll realise that it was never about how many girls you could get, but about how many truly loved you and you truely loved them. Because it's quality, not quantity, that matters most. In fact, I worry for the person you're going to marry and have kids with in the future because you talk to that many girls at the moment, who knows if you could be responsible for cheating on her with someone else or not. I'm also scared about the fact that with your last girlfriend, you were skyping your ex who you went out with last year for three weeks and were continuously telling her, in tears, that you love her. And no matter how many times she's told you that she doesn't feel the same, you still won't let it go. And you broke up with her because you were still in love with another one of your exes. I think you just need to reevaluate your life and realise that you can't carry on like this. You can't keep on talking to lots of girls because once we realise that's what you're doing; it gives us trust issues. I now freak out when a guy messages me because I can't help but think he's talking to loads of other girls as well and has no interest in being with me; just like you. You need to stop sending people mixed signals because all it does it mess with their head; I should know. That's exactly what you did to me and I hated it. I still do. And yet I still care about you for some stupid reason. So if I never see you again, just know that I still care about you and only want the best for you. But just know that if there are some times that you need me, I might not be there. It could be because I've met someone else or for some other reason. But I just want to say thank you for being the best worst mistake of my life to date. Thank you for the memories and I will never forget you.

Love Beth xx