On the 7th November 2014, I got 'home' only to be told I wasn't going to be staying there that night. Or for a long time after that. I was told that me, my brothers and my mum were going to be moving in with my uncle (my mums brother) while my dad 'redid my brothers room'. I was told I would only be there for about two weeks and then I could go back home. Only that was a lie. My dad wasn't redoing my brothers room. And unless my parents think that two weeks is actually five months, then there is probably something wrong with them. I guess they thought that they had my best interests at heart. But they didn't. My best interest would have been for them to be straight up with me and tell me from the start that they were splitting up and getting divorced; instead of lying about it for almost a year.
I'd always known that my parents hadn't had the best marriage in the world. They were always arguing with each other. In fact, it got to the point towards the end of their marriage that I was more concerned when they were getting along and not when they were arguing. I've never seen my parents kiss. I haven't even seen them hug or cuddle up to each other on the sofa. And I know that no kid really wants to see their parents being all 'lovey dovey' with each other, but I've never really had any good role models for what a good relationship should look like. From the way my parents were with each other, it's always seemed to me like the only way to get through the day with your partner is to argue with them all the time. And I know that relationships shouldn't be like. I understand that it's important for you to be happy in a relationship and that it's normal for the two of you to fight occasionally; but not every single second of every single day.
A couple of months later at the end of January 2015, my cat died. At this point I was still living at my uncles. I hadn't even seen her for a few weeks; and even when I had, it wasn't for that long. I was absolutely heartbroken that she'd died. I know that some of you may think that I'm being stupid by getting all emotional over a cat, but she'd always been in my life. She was 16 when she died and I was still 14 at that point. For her to have been such a huge part of my life and to suddenly not be there was a massive shock to me because whenever I was at home, she would always be there (or turn up at some point). And for me to suddenly have to come to terms with the fact that when I eventually did move back home to have her no longer be there was difficult to deal with. She could always tell when something was up and always seemed to make my day seem better somehow.
Then, a few days later on the 2nd February 2015, my grandad died. That is probably the most emotional and upsetting times I've ever been through in my life. It's getting nearer to two years since he died and I still cry about it every now and then and can't stop thinking about him. I guess what made it worse was that the last time I saw him was on New Year's Day 2015 and could have gone to see him the day before he died; but me being the lazy and selfish person I am, decided not to go. Instead I stayed at my uncles (yes, two weeks was now getting up to four months) and watched F.R.I.E.N.D.S all day.
I went to school the next day. I don't know why because I was still really upset about what I happened. I guess it was because I could either stay at my uncles and cry all day or go to school and pretend that everything was okay. One or two people did know my grandad had died and, even though they didn't say anything to me about it, they were constantly making sure that I was okay throughout the day and making sure that I wasn't on my own at all. It was nice to know that people were there for me. I guess keeping myself busy was the right option for me because it meant that I wasn't thinking about my grandad at all and could pretend that everything was completely normal. Except it wasn't.
I went to my grans for the first time since my grandad had died six days later. It was weird walking in there to be greeted by my grandads empty chair. I didn't like it at all. But I had to stay strong for my gran and that's what I did. I don't know how, but I managed it.
One of the worst parts of all of this (if not THE worst part) was his funeral. I thought that I would manage to get through the day without crying; but that lasted about five minutes. I was fine when I got to my grans and got slightly upset when his coffin turned up at the church but I managed not to cry. It was while I was waiting to go into the church and was walking behind the coffin that I had to hold my tears back. I cried a lot during the service as well. My uncles wife kept on turning around every time I sniffed because I was crying and it felt like she was glaring at me which didn't exactly help. I'd never been to a funeral before so it kind of felt like she was saying that I'm not aloud to cry. I also cried at the wake. My other uncles wife told me I shouldn't be crying because my grandad wouldn't me to but it's not like I could help it. I didn't exactly want to be crying in a room full of people but everything was just getting to me at that point. My mum had been constantly saying that she felt like my brother had been affected the worst by everything as he didn't even feel up to going to the funeral; but to me it felt like that was a lie and that it was me who was affected the worst. But I guess that different people deal with grief in many different ways.
On the 27th March 2015 I was packing for a school trip to Disneyland (yes, I was still living at my uncles) and found a solicitor folder in the suitcase I was using. Me being me, I opened it to see my mums name at the top and underneath was the word I had been fearing the most. DIVORCE. At first I was shocked; but that shock quickly turned to anger and frustration. I threw the folder across the room and quickly started to break down. I was angry at my parents for lying to me for that amount of time and also slightly angry at everyone else who knew about it for not telling me. I know it's not essentially their place to tell me and that it should be down to my parents; but they could have at least tried to tell them that keeping this away from me and my brothers for such a long amount of time was a bad idea. I was so angry that I wanted to stay at Disneyland and not return home. But I didn't.
I managed to make it back on the 2nd April and was told that I was moving back home. And on that same day, my dad moved out and into my grans and his excuse was that he had to stay with her because she wasn't as capable as she used to be and that she shouldn't be on her own. She'd been like that for a while at that point and my grandad had been dead for two months so if that was the case then surely he should have moved in sooner.
My brother had also managed to find out about my parents divorce. He asked my mum if they were getting a divorce and she said no. He gave her the perfect opportunity to tell the truth and she was still lying about it. I mean, fair enough if she wasn't ready to tell us yet but I knew she was lying and I just don't think it's fair that on top of everything else for my parents to lie to us about something as big as this.
Anyway, after almost a year of lying, they eventually told us at the start of a October 2015. They are still going through a divorce even though it's been two years since they split. But I'm really not coping. And it's not just with their divorce. It's with everything.
The only time in the past two years that I've felt like my real self is June this year. But since then I've been falling back into a pit of depression and it's been horrible. And my anxiety isn't any better at the moment either. And because of these two things I'm having to turn down stuff that I really want to go to but know that when the time comes around for it I'm not going to be able to enjoy myself. I would rather everyone else had fun without me than for me to go and bring everyone else down with me. I'm now at an all time low and I don't know who to talk to about it. And it's one of the most frustrating things ever.
I don't want any of you to feel like you can't talk to anyone about any problems you may be having: no matter how big or small they are. The link to my Twitter is in the contacts tab at the top of the page. You can DM me on there if you want and I will try and help you in every way possible. I just don't want any of you to feel like there's no one you can turn to for help.
I know this post has been really long and if you've got this far then I applaud you. Go and reward yourself for your efforts and for having to read through this.
Remember: you are not alone.
Love Beth xx
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