I really felt like we had a connection. You were one of THE most important people in my life a few months ago and I never wanted to lose you: even though I never had you. I felt like I had hit rock bottom but you gave me a reason to smile again. Even though you had no idea about all the s**t I've been through the past two years, every time I was with you you made me forget about everything that had happened. You gave me a reason to have fun and to just enjoy myself. You would talk to me every second of every day and made me feel like I was worth it. Like I meant something to you. Like we were going to go somewhere; and yet we didn't. I went from having the best few months of my life to going back to my dark ways. To crying myself to sleep at night; sometimes over you. I always wanted you and yet, for some reason, I could never have you. You used to mean everything to me and now you mean nothing. The conversation is dead. We don't really have that much to talk about anymore and I don't know why that is. Do you only talk to me now because everyone else has stopped replying? Do you just talk to me because you know I'll always be there? Well, please don't. Talk to me because you want to. Talk to me because you want to know how I am and what's going on with my life. Because I'm really not coping. I need someone who can hold me close and tell me that everything's going to be okay. You used to do that but you're not here anymore. There is an empty gap to fill and I'm not sure who can fill it. Did you ever even like me? Were you just doing it and saying all of those things for a bet? Did you want to make a fool out of me? Because I feel like a fool. I feel like a fool because I allowed you into my life and ignored what everyone else was saying about you because I thought you were different. I thought that you were better than that. Turns out I was wrong. So very, very wrong. Turns out you were a whole lot worse than what everyone else was saying. Now, whenever I see something that reminds me of you, I can't tell you because I know that you probably won't reply. And if you do it will be hours later and the moment will be gone. I used to wish that I could keep you in my life forever. Now I'm certain that at some point you're going to leave forever and I'm not sure how I feel about that; because I know that moment is coming but I don't know when. When you're with her do you think about me? I guess not otherwise you wouldn't be with her. Or any of the other girls you've been with during the time we were talking. If you really wanted me then I guess you would have shown me. You know what, just stop talking to me. Please. Because it will make this heartbreak so much easier if I can get over it now instead of later. You told me you loved me. You told me you cared so much about me. Well if you cared as much as you said you did, you would have been there for me. And were you? No. Because when you have your problems it's alright for you to talk to me about them and get me to help you. But when I have my problems it's a whole other story. You just dismiss it. You don't want the depressed me; you want the fun and happy me. Well sometimes the fun and happy me can't always be there. Sometimes the depressed me just comes out of nowhere and I can't control when she comes out. She just does it without warning. I can't always be the person you want me to be. Yes, that is the person I want to be too; but I can't always be her. And you need to understand that. But you can't, can you? Because you just want to be around the girls who are confident, always having fun and who are always smiling. You need to understand that I am that, but not all the time. And it pains me to say it but with the amount of girls you talk to, you're going to have a shock later on in life. Because one day you're going to wake up and realise that you messed up. Because you'll realise that you've never really been in love and that everything you thought was love was a lie. You'll realise that it was never about how many girls you could get, but about how many truly loved you and you truely loved them. Because it's quality, not quantity, that matters most. In fact, I worry for the person you're going to marry and have kids with in the future because you talk to that many girls at the moment, who knows if you could be responsible for cheating on her with someone else or not. I'm also scared about the fact that with your last girlfriend, you were skyping your ex who you went out with last year for three weeks and were continuously telling her, in tears, that you love her. And no matter how many times she's told you that she doesn't feel the same, you still won't let it go. And you broke up with her because you were still in love with another one of your exes. I think you just need to reevaluate your life and realise that you can't carry on like this. You can't keep on talking to lots of girls because once we realise that's what you're doing; it gives us trust issues. I now freak out when a guy messages me because I can't help but think he's talking to loads of other girls as well and has no interest in being with me; just like you. You need to stop sending people mixed signals because all it does it mess with their head; I should know. That's exactly what you did to me and I hated it. I still do. And yet I still care about you for some stupid reason. So if I never see you again, just know that I still care about you and only want the best for you. But just know that if there are some times that you need me, I might not be there. It could be because I've met someone else or for some other reason. But I just want to say thank you for being the best worst mistake of my life to date. Thank you for the memories and I will never forget you.
Love Beth xx
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