Mental health is something that I have had to live with for many years now and I'm sure many of you reading this have the same problem. This is a problem that I had planned to do something about this year, yet so far have done nothing. I guess it's because I'm too ashamed to admit out loud to someone that I have mental health problems, although I know this is NOTHING to be ashamed about and that I just need to face up to these issues so I can live my life how I want to live it and not feel as though my mental health is inhibiting my ability to carry out simple daily tasks. And the main reason why I wanted to start doing something about my mental health is that since starting university I feel that my mental health has got worse, much worse.
I'm not entirely sure whether this is to do with the fact that I moved away from home to attend university; or if it's because I spend so much of my time sitting in my room on my own as I only have 2-4 contact hours a day, 3-4 days a week. Or whether A-Levels messed me up so much that now whenever I do sit down to do some work my head starts to feel really heavy and I struggle to get as much work done as I should.
I'm pretty sure I have explained this in another post, but when I moved to university I thought it would be relatively the same as it is at home as I tend to spend a lot of my time in my room watching TV or scrolling through social media (or working on my blog). When I get bored or want someone to talk to I will go into my kitchen or living room and spend some time with them. But this isn't the case at university. You think you will spend most of your time surrounded by your friends, whether that be in one of your flats, going out to eat, having pre-drinks/going out, or just walking to university. But I have experienced the complete opposite of this. I would say that I spend 95% of my time on my own, meaning that I have plenty of time to be alone with my thoughts which DEFINITELY is not a good thing. I have too much time to think about all of the things that are going wrong with my life and wonder why they are going wrong. I spend so much of my time being able to blame myself for anything that has happened that I spend at least a couple of days a week feeling so low that in the past few months I have often wondered whether I will make it to another day. People blame me for not talking to them as much or for avoiding any plans, but this is because I feel so low in myself that I feel I need to take some time to work on myself before I can even focus on spending time with other people and helping them through their problems. Does this make me a selfish person? I don't think it does but others don't agree.
As I only spend no more than 12 hours a week in lectures or seminars, this means I have way too much time on my hands than I would care to admit. Yes, the rest of that time is meant to be spent with me doing directed tasks or assignments, but I also need time to relax and do whatever I want to do. Plus it is really difficult to actually sit down, even if it's just for a couple of hours, and do work, especially when I'm feeling low or just not in the mood to do anything. People say I'm lucky to have so much time on my hands. I disagree. When you spend 99% of your time feeling incredibly low and like you don't matter to anyone and that you'd be better off completely disappearing off the face of the earth, having so much time on your hands does not make you lucky in any way, shape, or form. If anything it makes you incredibly unlucky as you struggle to make it through every second of the day without doing anything you shouldn't.
I also think that part of this run with me and bad mental health is to do with how badly I struggled with A-Levels and how much my mental health suffered during this time in my life. I felt like I was under so much pressure to do well and as my grades were mostly judged by how I did in my exams (something which I have always been bad at) that I took no time out for myself and ended up spending 9+ hours a day revising just to try and achieve the grades I needed to get into university. Due to this, now whenever I sit down to do any work, I find myself feeling as bad as I did just a year ago - with my head feeling incredibly heavy and like I can't carry on anymore. Luckily I have now realised that whenever I go back into this place I should stop whatever I'm doing and go on a break, even if that means I don't do any more work for a couple of days. This is because I have learnt that taking time out to focus on your mental health is way more important than spending so much time on your work that your mental health suffers.
How I have described university and mental health doesn't necessarily apply to everyone, it is just my experience of it. If you are heading to university this year or are already a student, you may experience something completely different to me. You may find it better, or you may find it worse. Just remember, do whatever is best for you and don't put yourself in any situation where your mental health ends up being compromised.
Love Beth xx
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