Your 18th birthday. For many, this is the chance for you to go out for the first time and (legally) buy some alcohol. And you end up getting so drunk that you can't even remember last nights events. You might have even had a party with your friends to celebrate. And then a 'refined' meal with your family. But not me. I did the complete opposite to what you would probably expect from a person who has just turned 18.
I don't really have a lot of friends. In fact, as it currently stands, I would probably say that I have two friends in the entire world. And even then I feel like we're slowly falling apart. But anyway, as it was my 18th I felt a lot of pressure from a lot of people to actually do something for it. But the truth is, I never wanted to do anything for my 18th and I still stand by that decision.
I don't think I have been fussed about my birthday since I turned 15. Just a few weeks before my 15th birthday my Grandad passed away and I guess since that moment I have stopped caring about some of the things that used to bring me so much joy when I was younger. I hate feeling this way as I want to be able to go out and celebrate my birthday like a normal person would, however there is something deep inside me that stops me from doing this. And as much as I would love to be able to enjoy my birthday, I can't.
There was so many people in the weeks leading up to my 18th birthday asking me what I was planning on doing and telling me that I needed to think of something that in the end I just panicked and settled on going to Wetherspoons with a few friends for lunch after we had finished sixth form for the day. Only me and one of my other friends could actually have anything to drink because we were the only ones at that time who were 18 and had ID on us. And because my parents are divorced and I really don't like spending time with my Dad's family, I settled on just having a quiet night in with my mum instead of having a meal with her side of the family so that I didn't have to have a meal with my dad's side of the family. But of course, none of these things were what I really wanted to do.
What I really wanted to do was completely forget that it was even my birthday and just carry on as if it was a normal day with nothing special about it at all. People think it's weird that I never want to do anything for my birthday, when in reality I just wish that it didn't exist. I wish that celebrating your birthday wasn't a 'thing'. I wish that it was normal to feel this way. But it's not, is it? What is 'normal' is for you to go out and get really drunk with friends and have a meal with your family to celebrate. When all I really want to do is stay in, maybe order a takeaway, and just act like there is nothing special about that particular day.
I often feel like I am the only person in the world that feels like this about birthdays. I have everything I could possibly want: a roof over my head, a supportive family, good friends, and more possessions than I know what to do with. I don't want that to appear as me bragging, I guess I'm just very fortunate in what I have. And I'm not saying that none of this is enough because believe me, all of this is more than enough. I think it's just because where most people (especially young people) see their birthday as celebrating being another year older and having an excuse to go out and party (much like we do at Christmas), I see it as me being another year closer to death. I know that I shouldn't think this way but I can't help it. I don't like feeling this way and I don't know how to stop feeling this way, but if there was ever an opportunity for me to stop feeling like this and to start being like a normal teenager then I would definitely take it.
I don't know if anyone reading this also feels this way, but if you do then I would love to hear from you about why you think you also feel like this. Or, (and I know this is a bit of a long shot) if you know a way that can stop me from feeling like this then please, please, PLEASE comment down below or DM me on twitter. All of the ways for you to contact me are in the contacts tab at the top of the page.
Love Beth xx
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